Living My Life Every Where I Go: Changing A-New

Team Player

2009-01-09T06:58:00.000-08:00

I Peter 2:9
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

For the last week and a half, I've been listening to a 3 part message from Pastor Francis Chan of Cornerstone Church in Simi Valley. I just happened to find it posted on a blog that I periodically look at - but it was an appointment of God. I have listened to these messages at least 6 times, and I can't get enough of what he is saying. The idea that we, as Christ followers, are now part of a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God - collectively, together we are to declare the praises of him who called us out of darkness into his wonderful light.

We are part of the ultimate team! Our motivation for holding each other accountable in our marriages, our work ethics, our friendships, etc. is because we play life together, and we are on the same team - The Team! We want our team to be strong, so we support each other, hold each other up when one is falling, we are right there to help get the ball in the basket for a rebound, block the opposing team's player from sacking the quarterback, laying our body down to prevent the puck going into the net. All for the sake of the team.

As Francis, mentions in the message, we Americans are such individualists, that this concept of being a part of a bigger family, and reading all the "yous" in the Bible as "you alls" is foreign to us. Being a light unto the world, is not my sole responsibility - being this one little light on a hill - but we, collectively - you and you and you and me together - be a light unto this world. Why is that so amazing? Because there are times when I don't like you and you and you. And you all don't like me! And yet, God still calls us to love each other, in spite of being mad, hurt and disappointed with one another.

Jesus said in John 13:34-35 "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

This is the hard part, and yet it is so critical. Everyone knows that the above verse is impossible in our humanness. And yet, when we choose to behave in such a way where we love each other as brothers and sisters in Christ, forgive each other and still purse a relationship - even after we have been gossiped about, cheated on, lied to...whatever - that is when the light of Christ shines. When someone asks us - how can you do that? How can you love that person? How can you forgive that person? Who does that?? And we point to Jesus, the one who did that for us. Talking about Jesus isn't enough. We have to live it. Not "I" have to live it, but "we" have to live - together, collectively - because we are a new nation, a new race, a royal priesthood - that means more than one.

2009 is the year that I choose to get off the bench and play with The Team on the field.

If you are interested, here are the messages from Francis Chan:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9iJSkn5jwQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=erAKSj1ljHY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDZWlaOJ_xw

Prayer Foundation

2009-01-08T06:27:00.000-08:00

Colossians 1:3-4 "We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, 4because we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love you have for all the saints"

The Prayer Ministry at my church is emerging! I am so excited to be a part of it! God is answering prayer, even to the tiniest details - and in His perfect time. Yesterday, I attended two different meetings with leadership of our church - one of the churches of San Jose (vs Colosse <:). The two verses above could be said about our church. And it is an honor, privilege and blessing to intercede on behalf of the pastor, staff, elders, ministry board, congregation and community around Twin Oaks Church.

The Holy Spirit is moving. God is getting us ready to embark on a new adventure. Things are clicking, jelling, coming to a boil, soil is being prepared - all so that our church body can do what it's called to do - praise and worship God the Father and further His kingdom for His glory.

Watch and see! It's going to be an amazing journey!

Pursuing Reconciliation

2009-01-06T06:31:00.000-08:00

Colossians 1: 19-20 For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

God's motivation is to reconcile - to bring back together what has been torn apart. Everything from the atom to a human heart is being called back to Him. That amazes me. It also gives me great hope. These verses are helping me to pray differently for a certain person in a particular situation. It seems hopeless - it appears that he will not take steps toward truth and love. But I know that God is continuing to draw him to Himself, to bring reconciliation and healing.

My hope is in you, God. Thank you for showing me that I need to trust You. Going forward I will look at this person with different eyes - eyes that are looking for You inside of him. Give me boldness and opportunity to speak truth in his life - even when he shrugs it off, gets angry or makes fun of it. Bring peace and grace to this man - and thank you for continuing to pursue us - even when we so brazenly reject you. Give me your unending love towards this man, and let it be used for your Glory.

Thank you for continuing to reconcile me to You. You are amazing!

New Things!

2009-01-01T10:26:00.000-08:00

Isaiah 43: 18-19a
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!

2008 is done! It was a challenging year, filled with both joys and sorrows. It was a preparation year for what God has planned for 2009. Truly it was a year designed for eternal focus (kick the "8" on it's side and it's the symbol for infintity aka "eternity").

In 2009 - I am looking for God's quiet, little surprises. I will look high and low, wide and narrow - and know that I will find His peace, joy and love. 2009 is a blessed year!

God is answering many prayers and 2009 will be a year of ministry and growth in a way that I have never experienced before. January is the official kick off for TOC's prayer ministry - something God placed on my heart over a year ago! God's people are ready and the power of prayer will be evident in our church, our leaders and our community. At the end of the month I will be attending a Strategic Renewal Retreat on prayer - looking forward to starting my year off with a weekend alone with God. February will be the start of my horse ministry training with EMQ! Another dream I have had for several years. (BTW - I officially own my horse, Dancer, as of 12/31/08!!) God has blessed me with several trips planned this year - SunRiver Spa and Resort, Sandals Resort, Hawaii and Las Vegas! Trips I will take with my sister and a few I will give away!

God has truly blessed me, and I pray that 2009 will be a year that I can share Christ with others and reflect God's love from the inside out.

Happy New Year!

245 Days of Silence

2008-09-10T11:32:00.000-07:00

Ecclesiastes 3:7b "..a time to be silent, a time to speak,"

My last blog entry was 245 days ago! The time to be silent is over! God has been doing great things in my life! I am amazed at how different my life is since January 8, 2008. I was just beginning a Bible study on "surrender". In my last blog entry, I asked myself, "What is my Isaac?" And the answer is:

Control

If we are all honest with ourselves, we know we really aren't in control of our lives, right? And yet, I continue to break a sweat trying to take charge and be "in control" of everything possible. The very idea that I would think that I knew better and what is best for my life is actually pretty funny! God has been gently wooing me to lay it down on the altar. And so, I am learning. Bits and pieces of me are getting burned away a little at a time. Sometimes...the stench of burned flesh is still in the air, and He points out another piece of me that needs to go on the altar.
Praise God He is long suffering, merciful and full of unconditional love - along side me all the way.

On January 30th the ladies in the our Bible study group wrote a contract with God. Here is mine: "Because You are God; because You have bought me; because You are trustworthy; because I know how much You love me; because I live for Your glory and not my own independent, self-promoting pleasure, I will let You fill in the details of my life. I give it all to You - my family, my frienships, my past, my present, my future."

I am in awe of what God has been doing in my life in the last 8 months:

God gave me a directive to pray for certain people - but not just pray for them - but to go to them and say "I was told by God to pray for you and over you." Because I obeyed, He has opened doors that continue to lead me down a path He designed - inspiration from a book on prayer, praying at Winter Camp and being blown away by our youth, starting an evening prayer group, and attending an intercessory prayer conference in two weeks - God is unfolding His prayer ministry, and is allowing me to come along side Him. God is continually giving me ideas - and even though, I'm scared that I will fail, I am trusting Him that in His power and His glory it will succeed His way.

In March, He provided an opportunity for me to lease the horse I was using for horse lessons last year. In June, I was given the opportunity to purchase her. As of August 26th, I am the proud owner of Dancer, a Bashkir Curly mare!

God has given me a clear vision for a horse ministry. My vision was to work with young girls and women who have been emotionally and/or physically abused. Then God gave me 5 names - 4 out of the 5 are boys! Go figure!

I am starting a new blog site just for this new horse ministry "Nevertheless Ranch" It's still under construction, but will be up and running very soon!

I completed 2 out 16 coaching classes at Western Seminary. I have a long ways to go, and not sure how I will pay for it - but I'm not worried. I'm on the right path and God will provide all that I need to do what He is calling me to do.

Through the coaching program, I am involved in a coaching trio every two weeks. Not only have I been gaining experience coaching, but have reaped the benefits of being coached myself. And have been blessed by the brother and sister in Christ who speak in to my life through our bi-monthly coaching calls.

I am actually coaching 4 people outside my coaching trio!

I attended Financial Peace University over the summer, and I am on my way to living debt free and building wealth...not for me, but for the Kingdom!

I have read and heard testimonies of people who surrender whatever it is that keeps them from God's best, and how the Spirit of God takes control of their life, and it takes off, in a crazy, miraculous, unbelievable way. That is the path I am on!!

My Daddy is making HIS dreams for my life a reality. It is so much more than I could ever imagine - and it's just the beginning! I am hanging on, and enjoying every minute!

Laying Down My Isaac

2008-01-08T22:57:00.001-08:00

Today’s Journal Reading
Genesis 20-22
Luke 8

Genesis 22:2-5 “Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."
Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. 4 On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. 5 He said to his servants, "Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you."

Observation:
Abraham and Sarah now have a son – miraculously born – a gift from God – a promise fulfilled - the beginning of a nation that will be as numerous as the stars in the sky and the sand on shores. This is the son that God asks Abraham to sacrifice. We don’t know if Abraham wrestled with this in his mind and heart, but the very next day – early in the morning, he set out with two servants and his son – He certainly didn’t wait around or consult with anyone – he heard from God – and he obeyed – even though he didn’t understand the reason or the outcome. Abraham had a solid faith – and trusted God so much that even when he left his servants at the bottom of the mountain, he told them “we” will come back to you – both he and Isaac. He did not doubt His God – even when it didn’t make sense – even when it meant giving up the dream that God placed in his heart.

Application:
I am starting a Bible Study tomorrow night on “surrender”. I will be asking myself through out this study, “What is my Isaac?” “Who is my Isaac?” And as God speaks to me, and gives me specific instructions on what to sacrifice, how to sacrifice, when to sacrifice and where to sacrifice – I pray that I will be like Abraham – that I will start the journey of surrendering early on – as soon as possible – and immediately in my heart.

Casting Crowns sings a song entitled “Somewhere in the Middle”. One of the lines to the song says “But will we trade our dreams for His.” At this point, in my relationship with the Lord, I could say – “Yes, I would trade my dreams for His”. But what would I do if God asked me to sacrifice the dream that He placed in my heart? Would I lay it on the altar right away - at all? Will I trust Him enough to be like Abraham?

Dear God - Whatever you ask me to sacrifice, I want to willingly give it up right away, and trust that regardless of what happens, I can say “we will return to you.” You will provide – and that is all I need to know.

Is My "House" up to "Code"?

2008-01-07T09:45:00.000-08:00

Today’s Journal Reading
Genesis 15-17
Psalm 2
Luke 6

Luke 6:46-49 "Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say? I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete."

Observation: Jesus is beginning to stir up the status quo. He is teaching a new way of life that isn’t about rules, laws and Sabbath guidelines, but about love, forgiveness and kindness. It’s doing right by each other, without judgment or condemnation. That is the lifestyle Jesus asks of us. These are His words that we are to put into practice. And it’s the only way that we can have a solid, spiritual foundation because that’s the only way godly relationships can truly be cultivated.

Jesus has stepped into world that was too focused on rules, laws and the breaking of those rules and laws. The leaders of His day were looking for ways to catch Jesus and others breaking the Sabbath. Their hearts were not for the good of the people, but for the good of enforcing the laws.

Application:
Judging and condemning others is such an easy trap to fall into because it puts the burden on the other person and removes it from myself. But Jesus taught a different way of living. I am to practice actions, behaviors and attitudes that promote what is best for the other person, regardless of what the “rules” are. I am to be compassionate, understanding, and forgiving without judgment and condemnation. As I practice this in my interactions with family, friends, acquaintances and strangers, I will be building a healthy, strong, unshakeable, spiritual foundation that will stand firm and tall in the midst of the storms of life.

Lord, I have heard your words, and recognize that I am responsible to take action now. I pray for a forgiving heart. Give me a compassionate and loving attitude towards people – even when I feel justified in being mean, or hurtful or judgmental. Give me the will and desire to practice treating people as you have taught in your word, and remind me, when I start judging others, condemning others, pointing out the laws they have broken, or the “Sabbath” rules they have broken that I am causing my spiritual foundation to weaken and become shaky. I pray that you will help me to align everything I do with these teachings, and to keep my “house” up to “code”.

Who is My Authority?

2008-01-07T09:40:00.000-08:00

Today’s Journal Reading
Genesis 18-19
Psalm 3
Luke 7

Luke 7:9-10
When Jesus heard this, he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd following him, he said, "I tell you, I have not found such great faith even in Israel." Then the men who had been sent returned to the house and found the servant well.

Observation:
A Centurion’s beloved servant is sick and dieing. The Centurion sends the elders of Israel to ask Jesus to heal him. Jesus agrees to see the servant and heads towards the Centurion’s place; but the Centurion hears of it and sends his friends to meet Jesus and tell him that he does not need to trouble himself and come all the way to his home. Through his friends, the man says to Jesus that he too is a man of authority and knows that when he tells his servant to do something he will do it. Just say the Word, and I know my servant will be healed. His faith amazed Jesus.

Application:
I want to be like this Centurion and amaze Jesus with my faith in Him. I have come to realize that I do not recognize the authority of Christ the way this Centurion did. I say He has the power and authority, but do I really believe it? Do I live my day to day life trusting and recognizing that the authority God has given to Christ is what produces the power to heal and change my life? And that the authority is already there – I just have to recognize it and claim it.

Lord, thank you for dieing on the cross, bearing my sin and conquering death. Help me to recognize the authority you have been given and live my life the way this Centurion did – trusting that your power is greater than anything problems I face because of who you are and the authority given to you by God. Help me to learn to step out in faith, to bind my mind, will and emotions to Jesus Christ, and to loose the lies that I have believed that put someone other than you in authority of my life. In Jesus Name Amen.

God Called- It's for You!

2008-01-05T23:17:00.000-08:00

Today’s Journal Reading
Genesis 12-14
Luke 5
Psalm 1

Genesis 12:1,4 “The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.”
“So Abram left, as the LORD had told him;”

Luke 5:11, 27-28 “So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.” “After this, Jesus went out and saw a tax collector by the name of Levi sitting at his tax booth.”Follow me," Jesus said to him, and Levi got up, left everything and followed him.”

Observation: In Genesis 12, God calls Abram to leave his home and his people and go to a place he did not know. And Abram did. In Luke 5 Jesus calls Simon, James and John to leave their boats and follow Him. And they did. Jesus also calls Levi to follow him, and he left it all and followed.

Application:
God’s calling is two-fold. It’s a calling towards Him, and a calling away from the current way of living. In Abram’s case, it was physically moving to a far away country away from family, traditions, his home town, etc. In the case of Simon, James, John and Levi, it was leaving their livelihoods and perhaps homes, but they didn’t have to travel to a far away country, and probably were still close enough to remain in contact with their family and friends.

God’s calling on my life can be as drastic as moving to the jungles of Africa and living on beetles and rain water, or it can be staying where I live, and volunteering at a homeless shelter, or quitting my job and running an orphanage, or simply spending committed time in prayer and sharing the gospel with those I come in contact every day at work, school, the store, etc. God’s method of calling us can be and often is different for each of us, but the commitment is the same for all of us. It’s all or nothing. It’s a sacrifice. It’s giving up the old way for a new way. It’s stopping what I’m doing, leaving “It” where it’s at, and heading in a different direction with a different life purpose and with a different job to do.

Lord, so far, you have not called me to a foreign country, or to quit my job, or leave my family and friends, but what you have called me to is a new life. You have called me to leave my old way of thinking, speaking, behaving, dreaming and living. You have called me to drop the “nets” I cling to that provide false security for me, and to follow after your heart and trust in your ways. Regardless of what you call me to do, I want to be as Abram, Simon, James, John and Levi – to be ready and willing to answer your call immediately and to have it known that God called, and so I left and followed him.

Just Do It!

2008-01-04T23:41:00.000-08:00

Today’s Journal Reading
Genesis 9-11
Luke 4

Luke 4:42-22
At daybreak Jesus went out to a solitary place. The people were looking for him and when they came to where he was, they tried to keep him from leaving them. But he said, "I must preach the good news of the kingdom of God to the other towns also, because that is why I was sent." And he kept on preaching in the synagogues of Judea.

Observation:
This chapter picks up after Jesus was baptized by John, and documents the start of Jesus’ ministry. Before starting his ministry, Jesus fasts for 40 days. It is during this time (when he is weakest) that the devil tempts him. Jesus only responds to the Devil with God’s Word. He then returns to the city he grew up in and begins teaching and preaching, but it was difficult for people to accept him because – wasn’t this just Joseph’s son? He moves on to another city because he is not accepted in his own town. He performs miracles every where he goes and many are healed and freed from demon possessions. The people wanted him to stay, but he had a job to do and kept moving.
Some points I observed:

Jesus was filled with Holy Spirit, and the Holy Spirit was with Him. Jesus’ actions were lead by the Holy Spirit.
Jesus prepared for his ministry by fasting for 40 days. He also spent time alone, in a solitary place first thing in the morning – preparing for his day.
Jesus was tempted by the Devil, and could have commanded many things to happen to him, but instead, followed the plan God designed. He reminded the Devil of what God’s Word said and only responded to him with Scripture.
Jesus returned to his home town first to begin his ministry. He shared with his family and friends, but when they did not readily accept him in this “new” role, he didn’t beg, plead or try to convince them of who he was. He moved on. (I wonder if that was hard for him to do – these were his family and friends he grew up with!)
Everywhere he went he healed people, cast demons out of them and shared the love of God with them. He was in demand all the time, but still took time to find a solitary place before he started his day.
It didn’t matter if he was ran out of his hometown or was begged and pleaded to stay in with the people he healed and cast demons out of, it didn’t distract him from continuing with his purpose and being obedient.
Jesus established boundaried to keep him on track to fulfill the purposes God had for him.

Application:
Jesus knew what his purpose was and obediently did it. He didn’t allow anything to influence the direction he was given by God. How much do I allow outside influences to affect me when I know what God wants me to do? In the last few weeks, God has revealed to me many areas in my life that I allow people, events, and circumstances to influence me in ways that do not line up with His purpose and direction in my life. It is hard for me not to “give in” to these influences because I don’t want to disappoint anyone, I don’t want anyone mad at me and I’m not comfortable setting boundaries. But, I’m learning to, and with continued practice and obedience on my part, it will become easier and natural for me. I won’t be pulled in different directions, get myself in situations with people that are not what God wants for me. I want to make everyone happy, and help everyone get along, so I try to be everything to everybody. If Jesus didn’t do this (and He could) why do I think I can get away with it? God has revealed to me the areas I need to be obedient in, and like Jesus, I need to just do it!

Lord, thank you for revealing to me the wrong patterns of behavior, wrong ways of thinking and wrong attitudes that I have clung to for many years as truth. Forgive me for not establishing healthy boundaries in my relationships with family, friends, acquaintances and strangers. You have made it very clear what I need to change and what I need to do to fulfill the purpose you have for me, and 2008 is year that I am committing to living for eternal purposes. Every time I write 2008 or see 2008 I will physically or mentally kick the 8 over on its side, so it will be the mathematical symbol for infinity (eternity); and it will be a visual reminder of what this year is to be about - eternity. In Jesus Name Amen.

What's Your "Thing"?

2008-01-04T00:07:00.000-08:00

Today’s Journal Reading
Genesis 6-8
Luke 3

Luke 3:10-14
"What should we do then?" the crowd asked. John answered, "The man with two tunics should share with him who has none, and the one who has food should do the same." Tax collectors also came to be baptized. "Teacher," they asked, "what should we do?" "Don't collect any more than you are required to," he told them. Then some soldiers asked him, "And what should we do?" He replied, "Don't extort money and don't accuse people falsely—be content with your pay."

Observation:
John is preaching to anyone who will listen about repentance and that being from the seed of Abraham is not enough – there has to be a change of heart that then produces fruit. The crowd asks how to do this – and John responds to be kind each other, help each other (feed and clothe those who have less than you). He tells the tax collectors to be honest in the amounts they are to collect. He tells the soldiers to not exchange money for protection and make false accusations; but to be satisfied with their pay. Many were baptized, and the crowd wondered if John was the Messiah. But he tells them he baptizes in water, but there is one coming who will baptize in Spirit.

Application:
Those listening to John are hearing harsh words, and they questioned how they could live out this concept of repentance and bearing fruit in their lives. I don’t know if they were sarcastically asking him, or if they were sincerely asking him, but either way, I find it interesting that John answers the questions for each group differently. He went right for the very thing that defines who they are.
1) The crowd – based on the accounts written in Matthew, the group consisted mostly of Pharisees and Sadducees. These groups considered themselves to be better than most, and had money and power and used it over those who did not. The fact that John told them to share their extra tunics and share their extra food with those who have less was like a slap in the face to them.
2) The Tax Collectors – It was common practice for tax collectors to take more than what was required and pocket the extra cash for themselves. Again, John addressed the very thing that would slap them up side the head.
3) The Soldiers – Soldiers were not paid well, so they used their position and “military” power to extort money in exchange for “protection”. They would stir up trouble by falsely accusing someone, and use that to their advantage. Their motivation? To supplement their low wages, make up the difference in money they lost gambling, drinking, etc. because they were bored occupying a region, not fighting a battle somewhere. They felt justified in their behavior – and bam! John slaps them too!

Each group had their own “thing” that prevented them from getting to that repentant state, and producing the fruit of a changed heart. John was able to get to the core of what needed to change in these people. All of them (and us) should share their extra clothing and food with those in need, be fair and honest in our dealings with others, not extort money or make false accusations for our gain and be content with the wages we accepted and agreed upon. But each of those things, held a different weight/meaning depending on who you were, which made it more evident to them and others if they changed. Just as John pointed out to the “crowd”, the tax collectors and the soldiers their “thing”, you can be sure, as a child of God, He will point out our “thing”. And if we want fruit in our lives, we will have to choose to repent and surrender it.

Father God – You know our hearts so well. You know the very areas that cause us trouble – for some it may be pride, others selfishness, and someone else greed, etc. It really doesn’t matter what it is that we have such a hard time changing. What matters is, whether we make that change or not. I pray that you will continue to reveal the areas in my life that are specific to me that you want to change. Help me to willingly repent and surrender those “rights” that I feel are mine, and allow you to produce eternal fruit for your glory. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Anger Management Isn't the Answer

2008-01-02T21:55:00.000-08:00

Today’s Journal Reading
Genesis 3-5
Luke 2

Genesis 4:7
“If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.”

Observation:
Cain and Abel are brothers. Cain is a tiller of the ground and Abel is a keeper of the flock. This chapter reveals that Abel brought to God the firstlings of his flock and the fat portions; and Cain brought to God an offering from the fruit of the ground. God accepted Abel’s offering and had no regard towards Cain’s offering. Cain became angry and killed his brother, Abel. Before he did this, though, God approached him and provided an opportunity for Cain to make things right in his heart, but Cain did not choose to. Instead, he allowed his anger to take control.

I haven’t always understood this story – why wasn’t Cain’s offering accepted by God? I’ve heard sermons preached that it was because there wasn’t blood shed, and God requires a blood sacrifice, but there isn’t any mention of what God required. Each brother offered something from their livelihood, but the difference between the two is Abel brought God the “firstlings” of his flock and the “fat portions”; and Cain just brought fruit of the ground – no mention that it was the first of the harvest, or that it was the best of his crop. Maybe Cain thought he had a right to bring whatever he wanted to the Lord. Maybe Cain thought he could get away with giving God second best. Regardless, it seems that Cain knew he wasn’t offering what God required. He wanted to do it his way. And when that wasn’t acceptable, he allowed anger to take hold of him and he lost his temper and killed his brother.

Application:
Disobeying God opens the door to sin, which produces frustration and irritation in our hearts, which then produces anger. I recently read that anger is like a pit bull. It’s something that has to be controlled, while at the same time calling it a pet and reassuring family and friends that it will not attack - that you have control. And yet, we all know that once something sets it off – the control is gone, the damage is done – and someone is hurt or killed. Everyone shakes their heads in sadness, saying, “Well, you know how pit bulls are…” When it’s an angry person, we shake our heads in sadness and say, “Well, someone must have made him mad…” Why would anyone want to be responsible for something they have to continually try to keep under control when they can just get rid of it?

I know it’s easier said than done, but Cain had a choice to obey God the first time and offer the correct sacrifice (whatever that was), and he didn’t. God gave him another opportunity to confess his anger towards God and make it right, and he didn’t. Even after killing his brother, God gave Cain an opportunity to confess, and he didn’t. So God punished him – and guess what Cain did? He complained – this is too much for me, you have to protect me from people who will kill me once they find out who I am and what I did. Isn’t that so typical of an angry person? They feel justified in their anger, make excuses for it, don’t feel they deserved to be punished or pay the consequences for it and aren’t willing to take responsibility for it. And yet, in God’s endless mercy, he didn’t kill Cain (like he deserved), and he made it known that anyone who harmed Cain would be killed. He not only spared his life, but sent him to a place to live out the rest of his days, without any fear of being killed for his act of murder. I wonder if Cain ever came to his senses and made things right with His God.

Trying to master the sin of anger is hard work. And it never really is under control. The longer we allow it to remain in our hearts, the more justified it seems to be. Before long, it masters us, and we become blind to the damage it does to us and others.

Father, help me to surrender my “rights” so that anger doesn’t get the best of me. I don’t want to open the door and provide a way for it to take hold of my heart. I don’t want to have to master it - I want to get rid of it! Help me to be obedient to You in all I do and say, so that my offerings to You will be good and acceptable.

Blogging Rules for 2008

2008-01-01T17:46:00.000-08:00

I'm changing my blogging rules for 2008 to the following:

Always include a verse from the Bible

That's it! I'm keeping it simple.<:

Being Filled with the Holy Spirit

2008-01-01T17:36:00.000-08:00

Today's Journal Reading
Genesis 1, 2; Luke 1

Luke 1:44
“For behold, when the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby leaped in my womb for joy.”

Observation:
Mary is pregnant with Jesus, and is coming to visit Elizabeth, who is pregnant with John. When Elizabeth hears Mary coming, she felt John leap for joy inside of her. Even as a baby inside his mother’s womb, John’s spirit was aware of the presence of Jesus, His savior.

Application:
There have been times in my life when I have met someone for the first time, and I know they were a child of God and the Holy Spirit lives inside of them. I can’t describe the feeling, but it’s there. It’s like the Holy Spirit inside of me acknowledges, responds, and communicates with the Holy Spirit inside of that other person. Something like that is what I think occurred in the womb of Elizabeth and Mary. There was an acknowledgement, a greeting of joy by John to Jesus – even before they were born, and still being formed in their mother’s womb.

As I look back at those few times that this has occurred to me, I realize that it was during a time in my life when I was pursuing my relationship with the Lord. I was active in spending time with Him, reading the Bible, applying what I’m learning in my life. Even though, I already had the Holy Spirit living inside of me the very moment I accepted Christ, I am not always filled with Holy Spirit on a daily basis. Instead, I get filled with other things from the busyness of the day – frustration, anger, fear, anxiety, worry, stress, sadness, irritation, loneliness…the list could go on and on. And then, I cry out for Jesus to send the ultimate healer, counselor and teacher – and there is no room because my heart is already full.

Lord, help me to surrender and give up the things that fill my heart and take the place of You. I want to make room for the filling of Your Holy Spirit each and every day, so that I will recognize what is of You and will feel a leap of joy as it comes across my path. I don’t want to miss anything that is coming from You!

The Only Constant Is Change

2007-12-31T13:19:00.000-08:00

Today's Journal Reading
Revelation 19-22

Revelation 21: 5
“And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” And He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.”

Observation: These last chapters in the Bible are talking about the future, when the world as we know it is no longer in existence. The 1000 year reign is over, and the Great White Throne of Judgment is completed. God creates a new heaven and a new earth and those whose names are in the Book of Life will reign with Him forever and ever.

Application: It is at this time that He says, “Behold, I am making all things new.” “Write, for these words are faithful and true." The old saying – “The only thing that is constant is change” seems very fitting here. One of the many mysteries of God is that He is never changing; and yet is ever changing as we grow in our relationship with Him. Our understanding and revelation of who He is expands. The God I knew 25 years ago, is not the same God I know now - and yet He is still the same God. He is constant, and yet is constantly changing me. He does not want me to stay the same. He wants me to grow and become. Based on what I’ve read in Revelation, it sounds like this will be true even in the new heaven and new earth. Is this why the Bible alludes to what we learn on earth is in direct correlation to what we will do in heaven? I may not "get it" exactly, but I can take heed to what I do get. God is into changing me, and He will make me new. That is something that will not change, and is faithful and true.

Father, God. Thank you for the sunshine that shone brightly in my window this morning. I praise you for what you have done in my life, what your are doing this very second, and what you are going to do in my future. Give me courage to do as you ask – whatever that may be. I invite you to send your Holy Spirit to hover over me. Give me power and strength to willingly surrender my life in order for you to make me new – again and again and again. Give me a restless spirit that won’t settle for the comfort of my old ways, my old thought patterns, my old behaviors and my old attitudes. Give me wisdom in how I relate to my friends and to my family. And give me clear direction in establishing boundaries. Teach me how to wrap my words and actions in Your love and to nurture and create healthy relationships that are centered in you. In Jesus Name. Amen

What Drains Your Energy?

2007-10-02T23:11:00.000-07:00

My life coaching class discussed things that drain our energy. I was amazed at how many things I have in my life that zaps me of the energy I need to accomplish what God has planned for me! And even more surprising, is the fact that most, if not all of it, are things I allow to happen in one way or another. How crazy is that??

Here are 12 Energy Drains: (The one's in bold font are areas I allow my energy to be drained! 10 out of 12!!! Yikes!)

Faking it - Be honest with yourself and others.
Money worries – “I never worry about money, I take action”
Negativity in your life – incoming/outgoing – Take control of my attitude (imagine a soft, warm bubble around me when others bring negative talk around me). Smile, say something nice.
Mismatched personalities – Awareness/practice – find common ground. Look for what works in your relationships.
Poor physical condition/dehydration – Just do it!
Lack of connection to a higher power
Illness – See doctor, take action
Lack of boundaries – people pleasers Practice setting clear boundaries.
Trying to control others – seeing where my responsibilities end and someone else’s begins. Ask more questions, rather than give opinion and/or advice. “How do you think it should…” What are your thoughts on…”
Not being selfish enough in the right way. Check in with your goals. Say what you want, then compromise.
Lack of clear goals, or tried/failed at setting goals. Realize that reaching your goals takes longer than you think. Set goals in ink, set dates in pencil.
Stress in general – driving in traffic, work, children, etc. Accept that life will always throw unexpected pressures my way.

No wonder I'm so tired!

Life in the Fast Lane

2007-10-02T22:30:00.000-07:00

Where I'm at: In bed
Weather: Clear, 61 degrees
Sights: My messy room
Sounds: A dog barking
Mood: Anticipation of Good Things, Curious of what Lies Ahead

It's been two whole weeks since I've posted anything! My life has been a mixtures of chaos, worry, prayers, prayers answered, enlightenment, understanding, homework, 2 classes, horse lessons, more homework, Beach Blanket Babylon in SF with friends, church, Bible Study, work, playing Uno and Rummy...needless to say, my life has been a little more chaotic than it usually is.

A lot of great stuff is happening in my life and I am seeing God's hand in it all. He is answering prayer, and teaching me to TRUST Him with my worries and concerns for those I love. Pray for them, speak Truth to them when I have the opportunity, and do all I can to stay out of God's way! This has been a hard lesson for me to learn! (Doesn't God NEED MY help?ha ha)

Ive learned that things aren't always what they seem. Truth can be hidden underneath layers of lies, that may look like truth, but really aren't, and it can cause a lot of turmoil and unnecessary strife in our lives. Speaking the truth is much easier, in the long run, even when it doesn't seem like it at the time.

2007 is the year of learning for me - spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. I'm taking a bookkeeping class - because I want to know how to keep the books for my own business some day. I'm taking horse lessons - because I am exploring a dream God has placed inside me to use horses to help people who are "stuck" in life. I'm also taking a 6 week life coaching class on setting goals, and making dreams come true.

I'm only touching on a small part of my life right now - but you can see why I've been behind on blogging!

There have been days when I have felt completely overwhelmed with everything. There have been days when I had to fight myself from getting involved in things that weren't my business - a few times I won, but more times I lost. And ye - through all of this, my God has been there, showering me with His love, mercy, forgiveness, and discipline (sometimes gentle, sometimes not so gentle). He knows I am fallible, and yet He still chooses to use me for His glory. That truly amazes me, that with all my faults, with all my sin, with all the wrong choices I make - God still chooses to use me. That, in and of itself, brings me to my knees, in humbleness and praise to Him. What a great God I serve!

Ephesians 2:10 For we are His workmanship,created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.

Do I Really Trust God?

2007-09-17T20:58:00.000-07:00

Where I'm at: usual spot on the couch
Weather: 68 degrees
Sights and Sounds: Dad's TV
Mood: Disappointed in Myself

I learned a hard lesson today. I blew it! Have you ever been so concerned for someone that you divulge information that is not yours to divulge to someone else because you are worried, and/or feel the need for prayer coverage?? And then it gets back to the person you were entrusted with the information?? When will I learn that this is not OK -ever (unless death or physical harm - I guess??) And now...am I trustworthy to this person? Probably not for a while - and this is not the time for me to be in that position. I feel like a rat. I keep wishing I could go back in time, to that very moment I opened my mouth and shared information that was not mine to share, and was wiser, kept it to myself, handed it over to God. But no...I still seem to think that I have a better plan. Do I really think God can't handle this? Do I really think He has to have me meddling around, Getting other people tangled in my web? How many times have I gotten in His way? Too many to count! Like the grains of sand in all the world, from beginning of time (OK - I maybe wallowing in my sorrows with that, but you get what I mean). My intentions were not to gossip. My intentions truly were for prayer coverage, but I stepped out of line. It wasn't my place to ask others to pray about specifics.

My God is a GREAT God. Trustworthy of all the secrets, and more powerful than any other force in all the universes. It could have been so much different. I could have poured out my heart to God, asking for extra protection-extra prayer coverage-Holy Spirit intervention. I did not have the "authority"/"permission" to share with anyone else. He would have come through. And I would have seen His power in a way I never have. And now...my time and energy was spent on damage control and clean up. Why? Because I spoke before thinking. I shared what was not mine to share.

Forgive me, Lord. I thank you for the forgiveness I received from the person I wronged. I pray that I will be able to restore the trust that has been cracked/broken between us. But more importantly, I pray that You will be glorified in all of this. That this person will see past my sin, and not judge You based on my bad choices - and that grace will be extended to all.

Psalm 25:1-2 To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me.

Psalm 62:8 Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God ; trust also in me.

Romans 5:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Tea With Mom

2007-09-15T21:33:00.000-07:00

Today is my mom's birthday. She is 74! I'm so thankful for her. She is such a cool mom. We've had our ups and downs, and disagreements through the years (and I'm sure we will have a few more), but over all I have been blessed with a close relationship with my mom. And I am so grateful to God for that.

My sister and I took her out to Lisa's Tea Treasure to celebrate her day. Two of my nieces work there, and one of them was working today and was our server. It was a very relaxing, fun, special time. Check out the pictures!

Ephesians 6:2"Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise—that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."

I Timothy 5:2 "I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois (Emma) and in your mother Eunice (Inez) and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also.

Trinity Ranch - Dancer

2007-09-15T20:31:00.000-07:00

Where I'm at: On the Couch in the living room
Weather: Clear 64 degrees
Sounds/Sights: Nothing out of the ordinary
Mood: Excited, Happy

Today I had my first horsemanship lesson at Trinity Ranch. It was awesome!! I forgot how much I love to ride horses and how comfortable and calming they make me feel. I have not been on a horse for over 20 years!! My horse for the day was Dancer. She's a beautiful sable color. She has some Tennessee Walker in her so her coat has come curl and she walks, trots so smoothly.

The first thing I did was groom her. It's important to groom a horse before you saddle up. It's allows the rider to check out the horse for any injuries or ailments, smooths her coat so nothing will irritate her once the saddle is on, and checks her hooves for rocks, soreness, etc. in her feet. It's also a great bonding time between the horse and rider. Dancer is very gentle old mare who's had 9 births! She's still got a lot of spunk left in her, and tested me right away on who was going to be boss. Horses lean on you - and if they can get you to move your feet before you get them to move their feet - they've won the battle and start to lose respect for you. A few times, I had to put my weight in on her, and push her back or in a different direction - just so she knew that I knew what I was doing. (at least a little bit!<:)

I rode her on a bare back saddle - no horn and no stirrups. My trainer wants me to learn how to direct a horse with subtle body movements and light pressures and releases. I rode around the corral practicing the different techniques. It's really amazing how God made these creatures to want to work with mankind. They are very sensitive to touch and how your body moves when they move, how you sit on their backs, how you body moves when you want to turn left or right - they do not need sharp, harsh pulls, tugs or kicks - light pressure, then release when they are doing what you ask. It truly was amazing! We then took her out of the corral and on a small trail up a hill. My trainer let me take her all the way up to the dead end without being near by and told me to get to the top. Make her stop, turn her around, make her stop again, and then when I was ready to bring her back down to come down. And I did it - without any problems. Even when her dog came by nipping at Dancer (Mari is the dog's name - a German shepherd - and one day she's going to get kicked between the eyes!<:)

After our short trail ride, we came back and I gave dancer a treat in a bucket - no feeding the horses by hand (that made me a little sad), but they become a nuisance and are always nipping at your hands wanting food, so that's a no no. Then I groomed her again, and we led her back to her pen.

My trainer said I did very well and could tell I was comfortable on the horse. She asked me if I would want to go trail riding next time. (Of course, I would!) She said she could tell I enjoyed myself because I was grinning from ear to ear.<: She will saddle up with me and we'll get the horses to trot and run a little bit. I feel like I'm in heaven! It was the most awesome day I've had in a long time! I can't wait for next Saturday!

Today, as I listened to instructions from my trainer, and learned more about the horses psychology - I realized how much we can learn from them, and how applicable these techniques are when relating to each other. Horses really want a leader, but they will test you to see if you are worth following. Subtle pressure and release techniques work so much better than constant brute force. They can read body language and sense when you are upset, nervous, afraid, confident or sure - and their behavior directly relates to yours. Horses somehow connect to your soul - at least they do to mine. They do not automatically trust, you have to earn it and build on it. But once it's there, a horse will do just about anything for those who are trustworthy.

Psalm 22:8 "He trusts in the LORD; let the LORD rescue him. Let him deliver him, since he delights in him"
Psalm 28:7 "The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."
Psalm 56:3 "When I am afraid, I will trust in you."
Psalm 56:11 "...in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"

And the little stirrings of a long ago dream I had as a little girl are being awakened inside of me. Some way, You God, will use this love I have for horses all for Your glory. And even though I have been like a horse - spooked, uneasy with new things, always on the verge of running away - You, God, have proven to be trustworthy.

Busy Life! Playing Blog Catch-Up

2007-09-12T21:45:00.000-07:00

Where I'm at: On the Couch
Weather: Partly Cloudy 61 degrees
Sights: My cat laying next to me on the couch - sleepy eyes
Sounds: Dad's scanner, my cat purring
Mood: Tired and Hopeful

So - I'm a little behind on my blogging. To be honest, I could have been posting entries every day this last week or so, but I just didn't have it in me. It seems like my life has been a whirlwind of relationship challenges lately. I've committed to pray for someone on the spot, rather than say "I'll pray for you". And it seems like I've been praying on the spot a lot! There is a lot of stuff going on in people's lives and we are facing challenges that needs God's attention.

In the midst of all the "stuff" that is happening around me and in me - I have some positive updates:

My boss is home with her 3rd adopted son from Guatemala!
I have my first horse lesson on Saturday with Trinity Ranch (I'll blog about that on Saturday)
God is teaching me some hard lessons about how I relate to people - and I'm wanting to be teachable - even when it hurts.
I'm feeling braver inside my heart.
I'm taking a bookkeeping class at EVC - and I'm getting it!

So - in spite of some bumps in the road, challenges to overcome and fires to walk through - I know who I am in Christ and I know who my God is and what He's all about. That gives me hope and comfort, even when I'm exhausted.

Romans 5:1-5 "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Free Will

2007-09-07T20:03:00.000-07:00

Where I'm At: In the sun room
Weather: 78 degrees
Sights: The dark windows, Gabe sitting on the floor
Sounds: Dad's scanner and the neighbor's dog barking
Mood: Resting in God, Very Tired - emotionally and physically

Exactly 1 week ago tonight, I've been unsettled and anxious inside. Through a course of events, I and another person was able to talk to this person I mentioned in my previous entries. I think it went well - actually better than I expected. She's talking again. Sharing her heart, opening up and being real. Did I like everything she said? No. Did I agree with everything she said? No. BUT, she's expressing herself and I must respect that and honor that. Do I still have some apprehensions? Yes. We have a ways to go, and that's OK. God is answering prayers, and I am learning to trust Him with those I love the most. One way I am doing this is to speak truth to them, in love; without judgement of the choices they make - just making sure they know that no matter what - I will be there for them. It's hard to actually put this in action - I say I trust God, and then I want to control the situation, make decisions that are not mine to make, make judgements based on only part of the story. Aren't I wiser than the other person?<: Don't I have more life experience? And then, God reminds me. A gentle whisper, helping me to recall the way I thought and felt when I was young and stepping into a new chapter of my life. Reminding me, that some things I had to experience myself in order to learn. We all go through it - different phases of our lives - it just seems more dramatic when that person is young - at least to those who are older/wiser <: who are watching it happen.<:

My concerns have not gone away, and I still have some apprehension. But that's because of the unknown. And there is only so much I can do - the rest is up to that individual and God. So I place this person in Your hands, God, and keep an open mind and heart.

Bottom line - we all have our own decisions and choices to make in life. No one else can make them for us. Good or Bad - I make the choice - no one else does.

Free will - What was God thinking????

A Great Website

2007-09-07T14:18:00.000-07:00

This is where my friend got a copy of the love letter from God in the previous blog. Great resource to have for yourself and to share with others.

http://www.fathersloveletter.com/index.html

Who's Your Daddy?

2007-09-07T13:51:00.000-07:00

Where I'm at: Work (shhhh-I'm taking a break)
Weather: Sunny 79 degrees
Sights: My cubicle
Sounds: My co-worker's typing, the office air conditioner
Mood: At Peace, and very hopeful

I've been a little distracted this past week, and haven't been updating my site, but I will add more tonight - good, positive things regarding my last two entries.

A friend of mine sent this to me today, and it was such a great reminder of who the Almighty God is to me - my daddy! And God immediately put a visual picture in my mind - I was in Modesto this past weekend and I saw Kevin (my nephew) say this to his little, baby girl at least 20 times - "Who's Daddy's girl?" And in her little sweet, voice and with a big smile on her face, she says "MEEEE"! It is the most precious thing to see and hear. That's what God wants to hear from us, when He says, "Who's my child?".....and with a big smile on my face, I will say, "MEEEE"!"

Dear Child,
You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad.

Almighty God

Can't Sleep and it's 4:00am!

2007-09-01T03:58:00.000-07:00

Where I'm at: Living Room Couch
Weather: 57 degrees (thanks to weather.com)
Sights: The stair way
Sounds: The grandfather clock "bonging" 4 times.
Mood: Anxious, but starting to feel more calm and peaceful

I've been tossing and turning since 11pm. I must have slept a few minutes here and there, but nothing substantial. I read a little, turned the light out, closed my eyes...and angst filled my heart. This person that I wrote about earlier tonight - I can't get her out of my thoughts. I've dreamed of talking to her, what I would say, how I would say whatever it is I should say. And tears roll down my cheeks. Sleep alludes me. Even as I say I've dreamed, it's really just thoughts and imaginations running through my very awake brain. So, instead of laying in bed, in a hot room, feeling useless, helpless and anxiety ridden - I've decided to write out what's running through my mind.

Not only has my body been tossing and turning, but my thoughts and emotions have been too. I feel so inadequate, and if I'm honest, very afraid to reach out to her. I don't want to be rejected - that's hard to take from a stranger, but even more so when it's someone you love and care for. I'm afraid I won't have the right words to say, or worse say the "right' thing in the wrong way-self-righteousness. Nothing shuts someone down faster than that.

Lord, once again, I come to you, pleading, begging crying out for your comfort, wisdom and guidance. Give me confidence in You. Give me boldness and gentleness. Speak through me in mercy and truth. Show me how to love her unconditionally - whether she responds to me or not. Most importantly, may she see You in my eyes and heart. Help her to see my Father's eyes reflected in mine. Give me courage to share with her my failures, my screw ups - and how often I looked at myself with disdain, disappointment, and felt that I was worth nothing and that I could never change. It took me almost 43 years to finally stop believing these lies. Why is it that we as brothers and sisters in Christ have such a hard time truly believing and accepting who we are in You? Even as I've thought about all I would like to share with her, my mind focuses more on the negative of my life, than of the positive that comes from You. Do I do this because I am so afraid that I may fail? That once I've verbalized how much You have changed me, I will fall back into my old pattern of behavior - and once again it proves to me and others that change doesn't really happen? But it does!! I have changed! Yes, I've faltered along the way, made several big mistakes, and have stepped backwards a few more times than forwards. But my recovery time is much shorter! I'm learning and getting more comfortable running to you as soon as I see that I've gotten off course. And as long as I don't give up, as long as I continue to focus on You - little by little You will transform me and I will become.

I looked up the word "become" in the dictionary. It says To grow or come to be. It's not instantaneous. It doesn't happen over night. It takes a life time to "become". Is this what working our salvation out is? Is that the way we "become"? As I read through the verses below, keeping in mind the definition of "become" - it brings me comfort and a calmness - that I don't have to "be", I just have to be "becoming". Help me, Father, to share that truth with her - and to give her hope that You do change us, and You truly do make all things new.

John 1:12 Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.

John 4:14 , "but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

Ephesians 2:22 "And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit."

Revelation 11:15 "The seventh angel sounded his trumpet, and there were loud voices in heaven, which said: "The kingdom of the world has become the kingdom of our Lord and of his Christ, and he will reign for ever and ever."

It's 5:02am. I'm going to rest in Him now.

A Nervous Ache

2007-08-31T23:14:00.000-07:00

Where I'm at: In my room
Weather: 77 degrees outside - inside feels like 90!
Sights: My room
Sounds: Crickets chirping in the backyard (my window is open)
Mood: Unsettled, Anxious

I have felt uneasy all day. You know that nervous ache in the pit of your stomach - like something is wrong, or something bad is going to happen? There's someone that I can't get out of my mind. I'm worried about her. Concerned for her. In the last 9-12 months, we have drifted apart - I feel like she has drifted more than I have, but she may think differently. I feel lost when I think about how to be close to her again. I feel like she doesn't want me in her life. I feel rejected. The human side of me wants to be mad at her, but I know she is hurting inside and for whatever reason doesn't feel safe to open up to me. And I don't know what to do. Do I confront? Do I let it go? What? She is just becoming an adult, going through a lot of the usual challenges of growing up, but some how it's different. There are other things going on her life. Deep in her mind and heart. I look in her eyes and see sadness. And it breaks my heart. I just want to hug her and tell her it will be OK. I want her to trust me, to share with me what is happening. I think she tried to not too long ago. She actually broke down and cried over the phone - but I didn't ask the right questions, and I probably gave her advice instead of just listening. I feel like I am losing her, like she is slipping out of reach.

Please, God, protect her. Help her not to lose hope. If she doesn't feel comfortable talking to me, bring someone in her life that is mature, and wise and can be sounding board for her. Someone that will guide her towards decisions and choices that are good. After writing this, I'm realizing that I'm actually hurt that she won't talk to me. That she won't confide in me. Is this my pride, God? Is this my "savior complex" that I have to keep in check sometimes? I don't know. She's just not the same. Something is different - more than just the natural angst of growing up. And I feel afraid for her.

Give me wisdom and direction, Lord. I don't want to sit back and just watch her fade away. I want her to know that I care. That I will be there for her. But I can not force her to trust me. I can not make her talk to me. So, I will place her in Your hands, God. Give me opportunities to show Your love to her, and to show/express my love to her. And give me wisdom to know whether I should be bold and talk to her about my concern for her, or to just quietly pray for her and wait for her to come around. I thank You for what you are doing right this minute in her heart. Encourage her, give her hope and give her strength to make the right choices in whatever she is facing/dealing with right now.

Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Hodge Podge - in a Good Way

2007-08-30T21:53:00.000-07:00

Where I'm at: Outside, front yard, sitting on the bench
Weather: 77 degrees (feels a lot hotter!)
Sights: Dad's fire hydrant, our front yard, neighbors houses
Noises: a door slamming, traffic on King Road and Capital Expressway - but no crickets or dogs barking!
Mood: Encouraged

I've had a really good day. Nothing in particular, it just seems like things went well. No "snafus", if you know what I mean.

I figured out a few formulas for a spreadsheet I'm creating at work. Finally! It's been driving me little crazy for a few days. I felt really good when I entered the formula, hit enter - and "wa la" it worked! A great sense of accomplishment, I must say!<:
I walked to Target, instead of driving! It felt good! Added a few more steps to my pedometer!
My best friend and I booked our flights and cruise to Cabo tonight! We're heading to Mexico in December - I'm very excited! And it wasn't very expensive!
Tomorrow night, I'm meeting the head of "Trinity Ranch". I'll blog more about that tomorrow - but it's about a horse ministry - right here in Los Gatos!

As you can see from my above listing - there wasn't a whole lot going on today - and yet, I feel content, encouraged and blessed. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Psalm 13:6 I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me.

Psalm 34:8 Taste and see that the Lord is good, blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him.

Psalm 100:5 For the Lord is good and love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations.

Did You Say Chicken Alfredo Disease? The Art of Communication

2007-08-29T22:53:00.000-07:00

Where I'm at: Living Room Couch
Weather: Clear 76 degrees
Sounds/Sights - Nothing Spectacular
Mood: Joyful, Excited, at Peace

So - what kind of a title is "Chicken Alfredo Disease? The Art of Communication"? Let me explain. You see, today, I was talking on the phone with Shana - and anyone who knows her knows that she can rattle on like no tomorrow! And she rattles on pretty fast too! Well, in the middle of her conversation with me she said "Chicken Alfredo Disease" - or so I thought. Huh??? I interrupt. She says it again "Chicken Alfredo Disease". Now, I'm sure she has gone off the deep end, but because I'm a loving and considerate Auntie, I continue to probe into the mystery of her words. Finally, she says "I'm making Chicken Alfredo this eve" First of all - who talks like that anyway? And second of all, Why didn't she say "I'm making Chicken Alfredo for - dinner tonight, or for dinner, or tonight - NOT "this eve"! Again, I just have to ask - who talks like that???<:

Communication is a funny thing - it's all about interpretation. Factually - I can say something, but if what I say is heard differently - it really doesn't matter what I actually said, right? That's why it can be so important to repeat what someone says in your own words back to them - that way, if you heard them incorrectly you can get it straightened out sooner rather than later.

I looked up "Communication" and one of its definitions is: The transmission of information so that the recipient understands what the sender intends.

Communication occurs only when the sender's intentions are understood by the recipient. (Did you notice how I repeated the definition in my own words - like saying it back to the person who said it to me?)<:

Tonight, I met with some girl friends for a weekly Bible study. Several times we misunderstood each other in our conversations. Just silly stuff - but I was more aware of it because of my conversation with Shana earlier. It's very easy to not understand what people say. I wonder how often we go through our lives not understanding what someone is really saying to us? How often do we misinterpret or misunderstand their words and/or meaning? What does it take to really be able to communicate with someone?

Here's my two cents: I think communication comes through trust and security. Why? Because if I trust someone and am secure in our relationship, I will have confidence to ask questions until I understand what they are saying. And if they trust me and are secure in their relationship with me, they will continue to answer my questions or come up with others ways to get their point across where I understand what they are meaning. But if I don't have a trusting relationship and feel secure with that other person, I would most likely pretend that I understand, and walk away from the conversation angry, hurt, confused or baffled - thinking that person is just crazy - Chicken Alfredo disease??

What's my encouragement for the day? Ask questions. Find out what someone is really meaning/saying if you don't understand or you think it sounds kooky! And when someone asks for clarification (even if it's "what in the heck did you just say/mean?) - try to find another way to say it, or repeat it as many times as needed. Especially when it's someone you love and care for - the relationship is worth that extra time, and possible frustration and/or irritation with each other. We don't always understand those who we know really well - but because we know them really well, we should be willing to do all we can to understand them.

Shana left me a voice mail message - she said the Chicken Alfredo Disease was delicious! Did I think - huh? Nope - because now I understand what she means - because we practiced the art of communication.<:

How are you doing in the communication department with those you love? How are you doing in your communication with God? Do you trust Him enough and are you secure in Him to ask questions - to really find out what He is saying to you and what it means - specifically, to you? I challenge you to practice the art of communication with Him - see what happens!<:

Jeremiah 9:23-24 This is what the LORD says: "Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight," declares the LORD.

Horse Training-Redwings Horse Sanctuary

2007-08-26T23:30:00.000-07:00

Where I'm at: In bed
Weather: Fair, 64 degrees outside/inside - a little warmer
Sounds: crickets chirping, a jet plane
Sights: My painting of Greece on my wall, my curtains blowing in the wind
Mood: Excited!

Today I completed my Level 1 Training for the Redwings Horse Sanctuary (http://www.redwings.org/).
I'm sure you can get a hint from the name, but it's a place for abused, neglected, unwanted, unadoptable horses where they can live out the rest of their days safely and peacefully.

It was so cool! We spent the first half of the day learning about the organization, their 2 locations - Prunedale (Just north of Salinas) and Lockwood (South of King city), the psychology and physiology of horses, toured the tack room. Our "classroom" was in the middle of a corral with one of the biggest horses I have ever seen roaming around us. The second half was spent with the horses - hands on!

The Prunedale sanctuary is on a private ranch. The owner allows Redwings to keep up to 9 horses here. Let me introduce the horses to you: (I'll post photos of each next time I go down there)

Susan (the huge black Belgian that roamed around us) is a beautiful, old carriage horse. Her tail was cut (bone and all) so it wouldn't interfere with the carriage equipment and would be easier to take care of (basically they are lazy, and didn't want to braid her tail) - so she has a hard time keeping the flies off her.>: Susan was the Lead horse, but her age has slowed her down - Lover Boy now holds that title for the this group.
Lover Boy is another huge Belgian, except he is blonde. Not quite as big as Susan, but still huge. He is what the call a "Premarin" baby. I won't go in to details, but if you are interested, look it up. It's pretty sick and sad. He's still a little leery about people, but allowed us to rub him, but not harness him.
Ginger Snap is a young Thoroughbred. He's got an attitude, but I was able to harness him and walk him around the corral - after a little coaxing.<: He was a race horse that was injured and no longer wanted. Alisage is very old Thoroughbred - she's over 30! But she is still the Lead horse in this group. Where she goes the next two horses follow. It's amazing to see. We were able to harness her, but didn't have time to lead her around.
High Tide is another Thoroughbred. He's young, but has a bum right eye. No one knows if he can see out of it or not. He has a tongue issue too - wants you to scratch it - Which releases endorphins in a horse and they get addicted to it! (who'd a thunk!) We are never supposed to allow him to do this!
Jasmine is a small Sorrel. She was abused badly, and is still under weight. On top of that she has Cushing's Disease - causes a sway back, extended belly and very harry coat. We were never able to get close to her.

We spent the most time with Susan - as she is more used to and comfortable around strangers and "newbies". I had the best time! I am hoping to make it down there 1x if not 2x a month.

Why am I doing this? 1) I love horses, but have never been able to have one. 2) One of my deeply tucked away, hidden, secret dreams is to have a place that combines broken, abused horses with broken, abused children. Some friends of mine challenged me to pursue that dream - see if it's from God or just because I like horses and want to help kids in some way. So, I did a little research and found Redwings. We'll see where this takes me!

Even if it turns our that this isn't the dream God has for me - it's a way for me to get my "horse" fix and not have the expense of boarding, vetting, feeding and purchasing my own horse. It's a win-win!

Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Jeremiah 29:11 " For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future."

Maintenance and Preventive Maintenance

2007-08-25T13:29:00.000-07:00

Where I'm at: Front yard sitting on the bench
Weather: Warm and Sunny around 80 degrees
Noises: Birds chirping
Sights: Freshly mowed lawn
Mood: Satisfied, Accomplished

Today, I did a lot of "maintenance" around the house. Just normal household chores:

straightened my room
washed, dried, folded and actually put away clothes
emptied the dishwasher, put dishes away, straightened kitchen
pain stakingly removed all the sticker burrs from the blanket and sleeping from 2 weeks ago!
mowed the lawn

I'm typically not a "maintenance" kind of person. I'm a procrastinator. The dull, boring, every day, once a week chores I usually ignore until it gets so bad I HAVE to do something about it. And then I get mad and lecture myself for not doing it on a regular basis, so it wouldn't be such a big job now. I wonder if there is maintenance in Heaven? hmmm....

Anyway, as I was mowing the lawn today, I had a conversation with God - what do you want to say to me to day, Lord? As you can guess from my blog title, the topic was "maintenance" and "preventive maintenance". Not only in my daily life - chores, work, car, body - but in my spiritual life as well. I don't know why, or where I got this notion from; but I tend to think "once " ought to be enough! But, as we all know, that just isn't true, reasonable or even possible.

I looked up the definition of maintenance and preventive maintenance.

Maintenance -care or upkeep, as of machinery or property; means of upkeep, support, or subsistence; livelihood.
Preventive Maintenance - Changes made to a system to avoid possible future problems. Maintenance (including inspection, cleaning, and repair) of equipment on a regular basis that is sufficient to prevent unplanned failure

Things grow, change, get dirty, wear out, break, and get dusty (like my shoes<:). Daily maintenance and preventive maintenance is important if I want my life to be sane, organized, calm and successful. It's common sense. But it takes discipline and time, which I usually have little of. It's a vicious circle, because if I took the time to be disciplined in this area of my life, I'd have more free time because I am disciplined! (That can make your head spin, if you think about it too long!<:)

OK, God. I hear You. I need to work on maintenance and preventive maintenance in my life - all aspects of it. Give me wisdom, perseverance and passion to take the time to be disciplined in the little things in my life - spiritual as well as physical. I want all the blessings You have stored up for me - just waiting for me to be ready to receive them.

Matthew 25:21 "His master said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful slave. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master."

Vacuuming My Dusty Shoes

2007-08-24T20:23:00.000-07:00

Where I'm at: On the couch
Weather: Clear, 70 degrees (nice evening!)
Noises: Grandfather clock every 15 minutes
Sights: Glow of my laptop in the dark room
Mood: Clean and relaxed -that glowy, calm feeling when showered after working out

Today, I didn't bring any new verses with me to memorize. So, as I hiked the hills, I tried to recall the 4 verses I already memorized.

Because of Your great love for me, You, God, who are rich in mercy, made me alive in Christ, even when I was dead in transgression. It is by grace I have been saved. Ephesians 2:4-5

When I said, "My foot is slipping", You, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalms 94:18-19

Merciful God, restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain it. Psalms 51:12

Father, help me humble myself under your mighty hand, that you may lift me up in due time. I Peter 5:6

That last one, I had to look up - for some reason, I only remember "Father", and then my mind goes blank, then I remember it has to do with being humble....but nothing more comes to my brain. I'll have to repeat that one again, until I have it stuck in my mind.

The rest of my walk was spent asking God what He wanted to say to me today. I'm trying something new with Him.<: In the past, my time with God was usually planned - I had certain scripture I was going to read, subject matter to look up, or use the Daily Bread...something - but I chose it - and then asked God to speak to me through it. And, He usually did. But, what if God had something else to say to me? What if, on His end, our conversation wasn't over?

So, today - I asked God if He had anything He wanted to speak to me about. And a booming voice from Heaven said., " ". NOTHING!

So, I kept walking. When I reached the first big hill, and started the climb, I began looking at my shoes - you know how we often look at our feet when we are hiking - watching where we step...and I was reminded how dirty my shoes are! All week, I told myself that I will clean my shoes up after hiking, and I didn't do it once! They were pretty dusty! My hiking shoes are a dark brown, and the dirt trails I walk in are a light rusty brown, so my pretty, dark brown shoes are covered in this light, rusty brown color. So much so, that when I put them on and take them off the dust flies!

OK - back to my thoughts while walking...I'm looking at my dusty shoes, remembering that I've been planning to clean them up every time I'm done hiking - but haven't done that. And then it happened. God spoke to me. It was just a thought in my mind. A memory of something I read in the Bible. But it was so cool! So, I continued on my walk mulling it over. And guess what happened? God continued to speak to me - in my mind and in my heart. I have to say - it was pretty awesome!

So, what was it that I remembered? I looked it up when I got home. It's found in John 13. It's when Jesus washes the feet of His disciples - verses 5-15.

Some interesting observances:

Jesus did this after the Last Supper. It is one of the last acts He did with His disciples before His death on the cross. It was important to Him to pass down to them.
Jesus came to each disciple and washed their feet - not their hands, face, underarms (<:) - just their feet. But they had to be willing to allow Him to do it.
Peter questioned Jesus regarding his foot washing. Jesus tells him you may not get this now, but you will later. Peter says You will never wash my feet, Lord! Jesus responds with - If I don't wash you, Peter, you have no part of Me! (Wow!)
Peter then wants to be washed from head to toe! Jesus says you are already clean, just your feet need washing.
Jesus tells His disciples that just as He has washed their feet, so they are to wash each others.

So, what does this mean to me? There are so many life things that could be applied to this story, but I'm sticking with the one God spoke to me about. Here goes...

Back in the days of Jesus, everyone walked everywhere. They didn't have the variety of shoes we have today. Bascially, it was probably just leather sandals that were worn most often. Feet got dirty a lot! You could be clean from head to mid-calf, but your feet and ankles were probably dusty and dirty many times through out your day. To keep your feet clean, your would have to wash them - often.

We, as disciples of Christ, are commanded to go into all the world and preach the Gospel. It's a dusty, dirty world, and our feet will get dirty often. Was Jesus giving us a visual reminder to allow Him to wash our feet - remove the dust, dirt, mud, crap we have collected from living in this world? This isn't talking about salvation. As Jesus said to Peter - you, as a whole, are already clean - I am already saved, cleansed - through accepting Christ in my heart. It's about washing the "uck that gets on me every day - just from living in an imperfect world.

To me - this is about forgiveness, helping each other along life's way, accountability, serving each other, humbling ourselves - sometimes it take humility to wash another's feet, and sometimes it take humility to allow someone else to wash your feet. The point is, Jesus thinks it's important for my feet to be washed when they get dirty. When "life" happens, I'm exposed to sadness, anger, frustration, abuse, evil, etc. It affects me, even if it doesn't result in sin. It's important that I be washed,-cleansed from the "uck" that attaches itself to me. When sin occurs, it's important that I ask for forgiveness, receive forgiveness and start again.

And, again, it's a family/community expectation that Jesus passed on to us. We not only get our feet washed by Jesus - but from each other. But how often do we really do this? So we get a lot of dust, a lot of "uckiness" and build-up on our hearts - and then the washing becomes a huge deal.

That's what happens when I don't allow my "feet"(heart) to be washed - before I know it, I have a year's worth of "dust" caked on me, and I can't even see the true color of me "feet" (heart). And I realize that a little water and sponge ain't gonna cut it! To have clean feet, I will need to soak them in HOT water, scrub them with a rough loofah sponge. They will be red and soar for a while. Just the thought of it makes me want to ignore all the grime that has built up, and just continue on my way. It will hurt too much to get a washing now!

Jesus must have known it would be difficult for us to do this. So He gave us a beautiful picture of it in His Word. Encouraging us - inviting us to allow Him and others to wash the part of us that gets dirty most often - our heart.

So, tonight, I vacuumed my dusty shoes. They look beautiful! Clean, fresh and ready to hit the trails again tomorrow! I know...I'll have to vacuum them again tomorrow, but it won't take as long because I will only have 1 day's dust, not two weeks, two months or two years!

Open Letter to my nieces and nephews

2007-08-20T21:00:00.000-07:00

Where I'm at: In my backyard
Weather: Beautiful! Warm evening- 70 degrees
Noises: Lots of crickets! A little traffic
Sights: the blinking red lights fromKLOK
Mood: A little nervous

If you are reading this, than you've received my email inviting you to my blog world.

Welcome!<:

You may be wondering why I'm doing this - especially after reading a few of my blogs. Why am I willing to expose some of my deepest thoughts, hurts, sin, fears, etc. to the younger generation in my family...I've been struggling with this for several days. As you will note: my "Decision" entry was made on August 20th, and the date I'm actually posting this is Thursday, August, 23rd! I've been nervous all week, and have asked God several times -- are you sure about this?!<: And yet, the direction I heard from God remains the same - allow your nieces and nephews in - let them read of your struggles, your sin, your joy, your celebrations, your day to day walk with Me.

So, here we are...

For several months, all of you have been on my mind and little stirrings have been moving around in my heart - all about you. What can I leave my nieces and nephews that will be life-changing? How can I really invest in their lives? What really matters, what's really important, and how can we talk about stuff - real stuff that we face every day and speak into each other's lives - God's way.

And with that said, you may be asking - "So, Aunt Lisa, what is God's way?" Well - sometimes, I think I know - and others times I'm not so sure, but as I have purposed in my heart to seek it out - I trust God enough to reveal it to us - together. I'm willing to be vulnerable to you - all of you - through this blog site. It doesn't matter where you live, in today's Internet world, you can know what's happening in my life - and my hope is that even when you read about my bad decisions, poor judgements...sin - that, more importantly, you will read that I turn back to God. I may be face down in crap- covered from head to do with sticky, gooey, messy filth, but I want you to see beyond that - I want you to see my face turning, upward. I want you to see my hand reaching for His hand. Not after I've cleaned up - but while I"m still dirty, wounded, ashamed, exhausted, angry...because that is the when God will change me. Too many times, I have drug myself out of the mess - and then I put clean clothes on, perfume, make-up, fix my hair, etc. - but I'm still dirty, broken, wounded, ashamed, bleeding inside. But hey! I look pretty on the outside - and as long as I can hide it, no one will know. And yet - I know and God knows - and if we're going to be real here - other people know too, right? We know when things aren't right with another person, someone we know and love. We see it in their eyes, on their face, their body language...and we say nothing, we do nothing. We allow them space, we don't want to intrude, we don't' want to confront. Why? Because we know how we would react - it's none of your business, I'm doing nothing wrong - what about when you did...?, you don't understand, I don't want to talk about it.......... we all know - we've all done that, right?

What exactly did Jesus have in mind when He said, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. " John 10:10?

Who is the thief? What is he stealing, killing and destroying? What is "abundant life"? Can we really have it here? If so, how? And I don't mean, a 3 point list of dos and don't on how to have an abundant life. I mean - what does it mean when all hell is breaking loose in your life? These are things I think about. Things I wonder - because, like you, I do believe God's Word - I'm just trying to figure out how to apply it to my life day to day, in real time.

So, I invite you to watch (read). See what God teaches me. Join in - reply to my posts, give me feedback, reply via email, call me - let's do this life stuff together - help each other out.

I love you! And again - welcome!<:

A Decision

2007-08-20T20:33:00.000-07:00

Where I'm at: My room
Weather: Fair, 73 degrees (my window is open, slight breeze)
Noise: Crickets chirping
Sights: the walls of my room
Mood: Courageous in the Lord

Tonight, as I walked in the hills, I pondered a thought that has been rattling around in the back of my brain for the last couple of days. I feel lead to share my blog with my nieces and nephews. So, after praying about it, and sensing that I'm hearing from God - I've made my decision. My next blog will be an open letter to them, I will email them my blog address, and allow them into my heart.

I memorized my 4th and last verse that I pulled out of my "Praying God's Word" box from Beth Moore. These 4 verses are very special to me because I feel like they are personally from God to me during a time of sin, sorrow, repentance, grace and forgiveness.

Verse 4:
Father, help me to humble myself under Your mighty hand, that you may lift me up in due time I Peter 5:6

You are always trustworthy and Your timing is always right. Help me to humble myself now so that You are free to do wonders later! -Beth Moore

The Phone Call

2007-08-19T22:29:00.000-07:00

Where I'm at: In my room
Weather: Fair, 68 degrees outside/Inside - a little stuffy - have the window open/fan on
Sounds: crickets and dog barking
Sights: My open closet door
Mood: relief, disappointment, freedom

Tonight I had to call a friend and ask him for forgiveness. I was nervous. I had written him a letter, days ago - and I just couldn't bring myself to mail it. That was the cowardly way to do it. I knew I couldn't see him face to face anytime soon (we live over 150 miles away). The worst part about it was, two weeks ago I broke up with him. I wasn't able to share everything on my heart then - he kind of cut things short. He wasn't angry, or anything like that..I guess he heard what he needed to hear and that was that. I honestly thought I would never hear from him again - but my need to ask him for forgiveness in how I handled this relationship and for my behavior kept gnawing at me. And then he called - not just once, but twice. Our conversations were light, friendly - nothing weird or awkward - other than the gnawing inside that I need to say what was on my heart. And I couldn't bring myself to speak up.

So, tonight, I called him. He was willing to listen, and he did - to a point. But, I never got to finish sharing my heart completely - he didn't see the need for me to ask for forgiveness. He didn't recognize the sin. He had no regrets. He saw nothing wrong with our actions. Our values are different, and I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I knew early on in our relationship that he had different views on certain things. Things that I didn't want to compromise on - and yet I did.

I am so thankful that God forgives, and recognizes sin as sin. He doesn't justify it, ignore it, or say "not a big deal". He calls us to a life of purity - no matter how old we are, no matter how our culture says something different, no matter if the world says it's natural and good. There are certain things between a man and woman that is only for those who are married - not only physical, but emotional connections. God wants the best for us, and in our ingorance, pride, impatience, stuborness, and/or flat out rebellion we choose second best, third best or even the worst. And - even still - when I choose anything except God's best, He still gives me the opportunity to lay it at His feet, ask for forgiveness, and begin again. That's the secret - the hidden treasure in my relationship with Him. As long as I am willing to admit my sin, ask for forgiveness and change my direction - He will make all things new. I am more grateful for that than ever.

No - the phone call didn't go as planned, but I did do what I was lead to do, and I will leave the rest to God. That gnawing inside me has left. I am relieved it's over with. I'm disappointed in my friend's view of it all, but freed from the shackles of my part of this sin. I want God's best for me. And if for no other reason than this - my relationship with this man reminded me that good, is not best. And that good can easily and quickly turn to bad, when we choose the good now, instead of waiting for the best later.

I haven't memorized my 4th verse yet - so I'm repeating my most recent one - it's still very fitting...

Merciful Lord, restore to me the joy of my salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. Psalm 51:12

Family-God's Way

2007-08-17T21:46:00.000-07:00

Where I'm at: Same spot as last night! (on the couch)
Weather: Clear, 65 degrees outside/inside - just right.
Noises/Sights: Nothing special to note.
Mood: Enlightened and In Awe of My God

As my pattern this week has been, I went for a hike and talked with God. Memorized my third verse:

Merciful Lord, restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me." Psalm 51:12

I'm amazed at my God. Once again, He has come through - not only for me, but for another sister in Christ. I'm in a Bible study with her and another girl friend. It's an intense one - and we've all shared some hard stuff about our past and our current struggles. And there has been some challenges along the way (to say the least!). We faced one of those challenges today - and for the first time since we started this study, I get what it's all about. I've been thinking, it's all about the study, the subject matter, "Shattering Your Strongholds" (that's the book, were doing). But it is so much more. My friend, my com padre, my sister in Christ, helped me see that tonight. It's about family. Christ's family, community in Spirit, oneness in Christ, supporting one another, building each other up, loving one another, seeing each other through the hard times, rejoicing in each others joys, crying for each others sorrows.

God gave me an awesome friend - who in her brokenness, is boldly stepping out into new, terrifying territory so she can find healing. And in the process, is bringing healing to me. I fought her on it - she'll tell you I did! It's not that I don't want "family"or "community" - I just want it on it my terms. God must shake His head at me so much. My terms? Ha! Thank you, Lord, for bringing this friend in to my life. I'm so grateful for her perseverance. I'm thankful for her cows.<: Giver her peace, security, love, hope and healing. I know, God, You can do this all on your own - and yet, you entrust us with each other - to teach us how to be a family and in community. I almost, didn't get that. But she did - in fact, she's gotten it all along.

I feel a change in the air - a shift in the wind. A new day has dawned. And it is good to be a part of Your family.

Quail vs Manna

2007-08-16T23:07:00.000-07:00

Where I am: Living Room, sitting on couch
Weather: Clear 63 Degrees (It's chilly in the house, I have a blanket around me!)
Noises: Dad's TV, my typing
Sights: Nothing special
Mood: Hopeful

Today, I memorized another card from Beth Moore's Praying God's Word. I did this while I was doing my hike in the hills. It says:

"When I said, 'My foot is slipping', You, O Lord, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."
Psalm 94:18-19.

Last week I randomly pulled 4 cards from this box, hoping to have some words of wisdom to read when I was heading to the hills to pour out my heart to God. You see, I had sinned greatly. My heart was burdened, broken and weary of carrying a load that I chose to carry. I knowingly walked a path that I knew was slippery! And, not surprisingly, I slipped and fell. My shame was powerful - I'm not a new Christian. I know God's Word pretty well. I've walked with Him for over 25 years. And I hid in my sin, wallowed in my sin, and ended up being so covered by it, I couldn't see who I am in Christ. I only saw my yuck.

And the verse above, was on one of the cards I randomly chose (maybe I chose it randomly, but God knew which one I'd pick!) It brought much needed comfort to me. Thank you, God.

That day - as I began my walk up the hill, a bunch of quail ran across my path. I didn't understand why, but I couldn't get the quail out of my mind. Even after I had confessed my sin to God, and felt the release of my burden and received clear direction - the quail kept coming to my mind.

So, I went to http://www.biblegateway.com/ and entered "quail" to see what God's Word said about them. The only time that quail is referenced in the Bible is when the Israelites were in the desert, complaining that all they had was manna to eat. They missed the meat they had in Egypt. So God gave them quail.

Numbers 11:4[ Quail from the LORD ] The rabble with them began to crave other food, and again the Israelites started wailing and said, "If only we had meat to eat!

Numbers 11:31-31 Now a wind went out from the LORD and drove quail in from the sea. It brought them down all around the camp to about three feet above the ground, as far as a day's walk in any direction. 32 All that day and night and all the next day the people went out and gathered quail. No one gathered less than ten homers. (1 homer is approximately 2 full bags loaded on a donkey!) Then they spread them out all around the camp. 33 But while the meat was still between their teeth and before it could be consumed, the anger of the LORD burned against the people, and he struck them with a severe plague. 34 Therefore the place was named Kibroth Hattaavah, because there they buried the people who had craved other food.

Psalm 78:26-30:"He caused the east wind to blow in the heavens; and by his power he guided the south wind. He rained flesh also upon them as the dust, and winged birds as the sand of the seas: And he let it fall in the midst of their camp, Round about their habitations. So they did eat, and were well filled; and he gave them to their own desire."

Psalm 105:40They asked, and he brought them quail and satisfied them with the bread of heaven.

A few things I noticed:

The people were not happy with what God was providing for them (Manna from heaven was boring, a little bland, and the same thing they had last night, the day before, etc.)
They longed for Egypt's meat. It was tasty, spicey, good to eat.
God allowed them to have what they wanted - He gave them to their own desires. (Wow!)
The quail did not satisfy them. Only the bread of heaven satisfied them - the very thing they were tired of and wanted replaced.

I asked for "quail". I grumbled for "quail". I was not happy with the life God had chosen for me right now. So - God allowed "quail" in my life. And I greedily, devoured it. I was given to my own desires. And it did not satisfy. It left me sick and dead inside. What is it that will satisfy? Bread from heaven - manna.

I am no longer grumbling for "quail". God's manna is what satisfies me - even if it seems boring and a little bland sometimes. I am choosing God's manna over Egypt's "quail", knowing that the land of promise, flowing with milk and honey is just up ahead. Manna is good. No...it's more than good..it satisfies.

God's Mercy

2007-08-15T21:10:00.000-07:00

Where I'm at: Sitting on the couch in the living room
Weather: Clear skies, 65 degrees oustide
Background noise: Dad's tv
Noteworthy sights: My cat, sprawled out on his back, feet up in the air.
Mood: Blessed and Hopeful

After work today, I went hiking in the hills behind a local college. As I mentioned in a previous blog, I'm wanting to exercise more - both physically and spiritually. So, while I was walking up and down the hills of Evergreen, I memorized a verse (paraphrased) from a card out of my Beth Moore's Praying God's Word box.

"Because of your great love for me, You, God, who are rich in mercy, made me alive with Christ even when I was dead in transgression. It is by grace I have been saved." Ephesians 2:4-5.

I am so grateful for my security in Christ. Most of us think that we have to be "good" in order to be accepted by God. That is such a lie. No one can ever be "good" enough to gain God's acceptance. That's the whole beauty of accepting Christ into your heart. It's all because of His death on the cross, and His rising from the grave that gives any of us hope. Nothing else. My sometimes"good" behavior is the result of learning to live out my salvation, allowing my new being in Christ to become stronger than my old being outside of Christ. Anything other than that, is rubish!

I thank you, God, for your mercy to me. I thank you that because I have accepted Christ in my heart, my debt is paid in full. I have the key that allows me access to your kingdom. You would think I would use that key so much that it would be at risk of breaking (if it was an actual key). I'm learning to, though. One day, it will be second nature, automatic, as natural as breathing for me to run to You for anything and everything, or for no reason at all- just to be in Your presence. For now, You patiently watch and wait, as I struggle with this concept of unconditional love and forgiveness,, knowing that You see me complete in You...and one day...one day I will see that too.

My Blogging Guidelines

2007-08-14T22:40:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I will establish some blogging guidelines for myself. So, this will be my entry for the night.

1. Document the following:
where I am while typing my blog,
what the weather is like at the time
Any noises?
Any worthy sights?
What is my mood?

2. Attempt to enter a blog every day, even if it's just the basics in #1, to get in the habit of documenting my life.

3. No more rules. That's it!

I'm OK with Quiet

2007-08-13T23:24:00.000-07:00

Today I went for a hike in the hills behind my house. I brought my Bible and set out to get a little physical and spiritual exercise. I have not been doing much of either lately, and it shows! I have been allowing my relationship with God to slip a little -but I'm working on spending time with Him daily. My short term goal is every day for 1 week.

I hiked for about 30 minutes and then looked for a place to sit quietly and listen to what God has to say to me. I found a spot, sat down and waited. I didn't hear anything except the birds, the sound of the wind blowing the leaves on the trees, and the scurry of a rabbit, squirrel or mouse in the dry brush. But that was OK - I don't command God to speak to me-He speaks when He is good and ready. I felt His presence in the stillness and quietness, though. I pictured him sitting next to me, no words needed. His child wants to spend time with Him. I wonder if God feels like a parent with teenagers - that unexplained joy that floods over them when their teen acknowledges them, and wants to just hang together. It's such a rare occurrence, but one that is cherished. Today, I felt cherished, in the still, quiet places of my heart. And for that I am grateful.

Hello to Blog World

2007-08-11T23:54:00.000-07:00

This is my attempt at documenting my life, my thoughts, my dreams, my pain, my joys, and all things that encompass who am and where I am at. Tonight will be short and sweet - just an entry to get my feet wet. Blog world, here I come!