The Phone Call

Where I'm at: In my room
Weather: Fair, 68 degrees outside/Inside - a little stuffy - have the window open/fan on
Sounds: crickets and dog barking
Sights: My open closet door
Mood: relief, disappointment, freedom

Tonight I had to call a friend and ask him for forgiveness. I was nervous. I had written him a letter, days ago - and I just couldn't bring myself to mail it. That was the cowardly way to do it. I knew I couldn't see him face to face anytime soon (we live over 150 miles away). The worst part about it was, two weeks ago I broke up with him. I wasn't able to share everything on my heart then - he kind of cut things short. He wasn't angry, or anything like that..I guess he heard what he needed to hear and that was that. I honestly thought I would never hear from him again - but my need to ask him for forgiveness in how I handled this relationship and for my behavior kept gnawing at me. And then he called - not just once, but twice. Our conversations were light, friendly - nothing weird or awkward - other than the gnawing inside that I need to say what was on my heart. And I couldn't bring myself to speak up.

So, tonight, I called him. He was willing to listen, and he did - to a point. But, I never got to finish sharing my heart completely - he didn't see the need for me to ask for forgiveness. He didn't recognize the sin. He had no regrets. He saw nothing wrong with our actions. Our values are different, and I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I knew early on in our relationship that he had different views on certain things. Things that I didn't want to compromise on - and yet I did.

I am so thankful that God forgives, and recognizes sin as sin. He doesn't justify it, ignore it, or say "not a big deal". He calls us to a life of purity - no matter how old we are, no matter how our culture says something different, no matter if the world says it's natural and good. There are certain things between a man and woman that is only for those who are married - not only physical, but emotional connections. God wants the best for us, and in our ingorance, pride, impatience, stuborness, and/or flat out rebellion we choose second best, third best or even the worst. And - even still - when I choose anything except God's best, He still gives me the opportunity to lay it at His feet, ask for forgiveness, and begin again. That's the secret - the hidden treasure in my relationship with Him. As long as I am willing to admit my sin, ask for forgiveness and change my direction - He will make all things new. I am more grateful for that than ever.

No - the phone call didn't go as planned, but I did do what I was lead to do, and I will leave the rest to God. That gnawing inside me has left. I am relieved it's over with. I'm disappointed in my friend's view of it all, but freed from the shackles of my part of this sin. I want God's best for me. And if for no other reason than this - my relationship with this man reminded me that good, is not best. And that good can easily and quickly turn to bad, when we choose the good now, instead of waiting for the best later.

I haven't memorized my 4th verse yet - so I'm repeating my most recent one - it's still very fitting...

Merciful Lord, restore to me the joy of my salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. Psalm 51:12