Where I'm at: usual spot on the couch
Weather: 68 degrees
Sights and Sounds: Dad's TV
Mood: Disappointed in Myself
I learned a hard lesson today. I blew it! Have you ever been so concerned for someone that you divulge information that is not yours to divulge to someone else because you are worried, and/or feel the need for prayer coverage?? And then it gets back to the person you were entrusted with the information?? When will I learn that this is not OK -ever (unless death or physical harm - I guess??) And now...am I trustworthy to this person? Probably not for a while - and this is not the time for me to be in that position. I feel like a rat. I keep wishing I could go back in time, to that very moment I opened my mouth and shared information that was not mine to share, and was wiser, kept it to myself, handed it over to God. But no...I still seem to think that I have a better plan. Do I really think God can't handle this? Do I really think He has to have me meddling around, Getting other people tangled in my web? How many times have I gotten in His way? Too many to count! Like the grains of sand in all the world, from beginning of time (OK - I maybe wallowing in my sorrows with that, but you get what I mean). My intentions were not to gossip. My intentions truly were for prayer coverage, but I stepped out of line. It wasn't my place to ask others to pray about specifics.
My God is a GREAT God. Trustworthy of all the secrets, and more powerful than any other force in all the universes. It could have been so much different. I could have poured out my heart to God, asking for extra protection-extra prayer coverage-Holy Spirit intervention. I did not have the "authority"/"permission" to share with anyone else. He would have come through. And I would have seen His power in a way I never have. And now...my time and energy was spent on damage control and clean up. Why? Because I spoke before thinking. I shared what was not mine to share.
Forgive me, Lord. I thank you for the forgiveness I received from the person I wronged. I pray that I will be able to restore the trust that has been cracked/broken between us. But more importantly, I pray that You will be glorified in all of this. That this person will see past my sin, and not judge You based on my bad choices - and that grace will be extended to all.
Psalm 25:1-2 To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me.
Psalm 62:8 Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God ; trust also in me.
Romans 5:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Tea With Mom
Today is my mom's birthday. She is 74! I'm so thankful for her. She is such a cool mom. We've had our ups and downs, and disagreements through the years (and I'm sure we will have a few more), but over all I have been blessed with a close relationship with my mom. And I am so grateful to God for that.
My sister and I took her out to Lisa's Tea Treasure to celebrate her day. Two of my nieces work there, and one of them was working today and was our server. It was a very relaxing, fun, special time. Check out the pictures!
Ephesians 6:2"Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise—that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."
I Timothy 5:2 "I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois (Emma) and in your mother Eunice (Inez) and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also.
Trinity Ranch - Dancer
Where I'm at: On the Couch in the living room
Weather: Clear 64 degrees
Sounds/Sights: Nothing out of the ordinary
Mood: Excited, Happy
Today I had my first horsemanship lesson at Trinity Ranch. It was awesome!! I forgot how much I love to ride horses and how comfortable and calming they make me feel. I have not been on a horse for over 20 years!! My horse for the day was Dancer. She's a beautiful sable color. She has some Tennessee Walker in her so her coat has come curl and she walks, trots so smoothly.
The first thing I did was groom her. It's important to groom a horse before you saddle up. It's allows the rider to check out the horse for any injuries or ailments, smooths her coat so nothing will irritate her once the saddle is on, and checks her hooves for rocks, soreness, etc. in her feet. It's also a great bonding time between the horse and rider. Dancer is very gentle old mare who's had 9 births! She's still got a lot of spunk left in her, and tested me right away on who was going to be boss. Horses lean on you - and if they can get you to move your feet before you get them to move their feet - they've won the battle and start to lose respect for you. A few times, I had to put my weight in on her, and push her back or in a different direction - just so she knew that I knew what I was doing. (at least a little bit!<:)
I rode her on a bare back saddle - no horn and no stirrups. My trainer wants me to learn how to direct a horse with subtle body movements and light pressures and releases. I rode around the corral practicing the different techniques. It's really amazing how God made these creatures to want to work with mankind. They are very sensitive to touch and how your body moves when they move, how you sit on their backs, how you body moves when you want to turn left or right - they do not need sharp, harsh pulls, tugs or kicks - light pressure, then release when they are doing what you ask. It truly was amazing! We then took her out of the corral and on a small trail up a hill. My trainer let me take her all the way up to the dead end without being near by and told me to get to the top. Make her stop, turn her around, make her stop again, and then when I was ready to bring her back down to come down. And I did it - without any problems. Even when her dog came by nipping at Dancer (Mari is the dog's name - a German shepherd - and one day she's going to get kicked between the eyes!<:)
After our short trail ride, we came back and I gave dancer a treat in a bucket - no feeding the horses by hand (that made me a little sad), but they become a nuisance and are always nipping at your hands wanting food, so that's a no no. Then I groomed her again, and we led her back to her pen.
My trainer said I did very well and could tell I was comfortable on the horse. She asked me if I would want to go trail riding next time. (Of course, I would!) She said she could tell I enjoyed myself because I was grinning from ear to ear.<: She will saddle up with me and we'll get the horses to trot and run a little bit. I feel like I'm in heaven! It was the most awesome day I've had in a long time! I can't wait for next Saturday!
Today, as I listened to instructions from my trainer, and learned more about the horses psychology - I realized how much we can learn from them, and how applicable these techniques are when relating to each other. Horses really want a leader, but they will test you to see if you are worth following. Subtle pressure and release techniques work so much better than constant brute force. They can read body language and sense when you are upset, nervous, afraid, confident or sure - and their behavior directly relates to yours. Horses somehow connect to your soul - at least they do to mine. They do not automatically trust, you have to earn it and build on it. But once it's there, a horse will do just about anything for those who are trustworthy.
Psalm 22:8 "He trusts in the LORD; let the LORD rescue him. Let him deliver him, since he delights in him"
Psalm 28:7 "The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."
Psalm 56:3 "When I am afraid, I will trust in you."
Psalm 56:11 "...in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
And the little stirrings of a long ago dream I had as a little girl are being awakened inside of me. Some way, You God, will use this love I have for horses all for Your glory. And even though I have been like a horse - spooked, uneasy with new things, always on the verge of running away - You, God, have proven to be trustworthy.
Weather: Clear 64 degrees
Sounds/Sights: Nothing out of the ordinary
Mood: Excited, Happy
Today I had my first horsemanship lesson at Trinity Ranch. It was awesome!! I forgot how much I love to ride horses and how comfortable and calming they make me feel. I have not been on a horse for over 20 years!! My horse for the day was Dancer. She's a beautiful sable color. She has some Tennessee Walker in her so her coat has come curl and she walks, trots so smoothly.
The first thing I did was groom her. It's important to groom a horse before you saddle up. It's allows the rider to check out the horse for any injuries or ailments, smooths her coat so nothing will irritate her once the saddle is on, and checks her hooves for rocks, soreness, etc. in her feet. It's also a great bonding time between the horse and rider. Dancer is very gentle old mare who's had 9 births! She's still got a lot of spunk left in her, and tested me right away on who was going to be boss. Horses lean on you - and if they can get you to move your feet before you get them to move their feet - they've won the battle and start to lose respect for you. A few times, I had to put my weight in on her, and push her back or in a different direction - just so she knew that I knew what I was doing. (at least a little bit!<:)
I rode her on a bare back saddle - no horn and no stirrups. My trainer wants me to learn how to direct a horse with subtle body movements and light pressures and releases. I rode around the corral practicing the different techniques. It's really amazing how God made these creatures to want to work with mankind. They are very sensitive to touch and how your body moves when they move, how you sit on their backs, how you body moves when you want to turn left or right - they do not need sharp, harsh pulls, tugs or kicks - light pressure, then release when they are doing what you ask. It truly was amazing! We then took her out of the corral and on a small trail up a hill. My trainer let me take her all the way up to the dead end without being near by and told me to get to the top. Make her stop, turn her around, make her stop again, and then when I was ready to bring her back down to come down. And I did it - without any problems. Even when her dog came by nipping at Dancer (Mari is the dog's name - a German shepherd - and one day she's going to get kicked between the eyes!<:)
After our short trail ride, we came back and I gave dancer a treat in a bucket - no feeding the horses by hand (that made me a little sad), but they become a nuisance and are always nipping at your hands wanting food, so that's a no no. Then I groomed her again, and we led her back to her pen.
My trainer said I did very well and could tell I was comfortable on the horse. She asked me if I would want to go trail riding next time. (Of course, I would!) She said she could tell I enjoyed myself because I was grinning from ear to ear.<: She will saddle up with me and we'll get the horses to trot and run a little bit. I feel like I'm in heaven! It was the most awesome day I've had in a long time! I can't wait for next Saturday!
Today, as I listened to instructions from my trainer, and learned more about the horses psychology - I realized how much we can learn from them, and how applicable these techniques are when relating to each other. Horses really want a leader, but they will test you to see if you are worth following. Subtle pressure and release techniques work so much better than constant brute force. They can read body language and sense when you are upset, nervous, afraid, confident or sure - and their behavior directly relates to yours. Horses somehow connect to your soul - at least they do to mine. They do not automatically trust, you have to earn it and build on it. But once it's there, a horse will do just about anything for those who are trustworthy.
Psalm 22:8 "He trusts in the LORD; let the LORD rescue him. Let him deliver him, since he delights in him"
Psalm 28:7 "The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."
Psalm 56:3 "When I am afraid, I will trust in you."
Psalm 56:11 "...in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
And the little stirrings of a long ago dream I had as a little girl are being awakened inside of me. Some way, You God, will use this love I have for horses all for Your glory. And even though I have been like a horse - spooked, uneasy with new things, always on the verge of running away - You, God, have proven to be trustworthy.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Busy Life! Playing Blog Catch-Up
Where I'm at: On the Couch
Weather: Partly Cloudy 61 degrees
Sights: My cat laying next to me on the couch - sleepy eyes
Sounds: Dad's scanner, my cat purring
Mood: Tired and Hopeful
So - I'm a little behind on my blogging. To be honest, I could have been posting entries every day this last week or so, but I just didn't have it in me. It seems like my life has been a whirlwind of relationship challenges lately. I've committed to pray for someone on the spot, rather than say "I'll pray for you". And it seems like I've been praying on the spot a lot! There is a lot of stuff going on in people's lives and we are facing challenges that needs God's attention.
In the midst of all the "stuff" that is happening around me and in me - I have some positive updates:
Weather: Partly Cloudy 61 degrees
Sights: My cat laying next to me on the couch - sleepy eyes
Sounds: Dad's scanner, my cat purring
Mood: Tired and Hopeful
So - I'm a little behind on my blogging. To be honest, I could have been posting entries every day this last week or so, but I just didn't have it in me. It seems like my life has been a whirlwind of relationship challenges lately. I've committed to pray for someone on the spot, rather than say "I'll pray for you". And it seems like I've been praying on the spot a lot! There is a lot of stuff going on in people's lives and we are facing challenges that needs God's attention.
In the midst of all the "stuff" that is happening around me and in me - I have some positive updates:
- My boss is home with her 3rd adopted son from Guatemala!
- I have my first horse lesson on Saturday with Trinity Ranch (I'll blog about that on Saturday)
- God is teaching me some hard lessons about how I relate to people - and I'm wanting to be teachable - even when it hurts.
- I'm feeling braver inside my heart.
- I'm taking a bookkeeping class at EVC - and I'm getting it!
So - in spite of some bumps in the road, challenges to overcome and fires to walk through - I know who I am in Christ and I know who my God is and what He's all about. That gives me hope and comfort, even when I'm exhausted.
Romans 5:1-5 "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Free Will
Where I'm At: In the sun room
Weather: 78 degrees
Sights: The dark windows, Gabe sitting on the floor
Sounds: Dad's scanner and the neighbor's dog barking
Mood: Resting in God, Very Tired - emotionally and physically
Exactly 1 week ago tonight, I've been unsettled and anxious inside. Through a course of events, I and another person was able to talk to this person I mentioned in my previous entries. I think it went well - actually better than I expected. She's talking again. Sharing her heart, opening up and being real. Did I like everything she said? No. Did I agree with everything she said? No. BUT, she's expressing herself and I must respect that and honor that. Do I still have some apprehensions? Yes. We have a ways to go, and that's OK. God is answering prayers, and I am learning to trust Him with those I love the most. One way I am doing this is to speak truth to them, in love; without judgement of the choices they make - just making sure they know that no matter what - I will be there for them. It's hard to actually put this in action - I say I trust God, and then I want to control the situation, make decisions that are not mine to make, make judgements based on only part of the story. Aren't I wiser than the other person?<: Don't I have more life experience? And then, God reminds me. A gentle whisper, helping me to recall the way I thought and felt when I was young and stepping into a new chapter of my life. Reminding me, that some things I had to experience myself in order to learn. We all go through it - different phases of our lives - it just seems more dramatic when that person is young - at least to those who are older/wiser <: who are watching it happen.<:
My concerns have not gone away, and I still have some apprehension. But that's because of the unknown. And there is only so much I can do - the rest is up to that individual and God. So I place this person in Your hands, God, and keep an open mind and heart.
Bottom line - we all have our own decisions and choices to make in life. No one else can make them for us. Good or Bad - I make the choice - no one else does.
Free will - What was God thinking????
Weather: 78 degrees
Sights: The dark windows, Gabe sitting on the floor
Sounds: Dad's scanner and the neighbor's dog barking
Mood: Resting in God, Very Tired - emotionally and physically
Exactly 1 week ago tonight, I've been unsettled and anxious inside. Through a course of events, I and another person was able to talk to this person I mentioned in my previous entries. I think it went well - actually better than I expected. She's talking again. Sharing her heart, opening up and being real. Did I like everything she said? No. Did I agree with everything she said? No. BUT, she's expressing herself and I must respect that and honor that. Do I still have some apprehensions? Yes. We have a ways to go, and that's OK. God is answering prayers, and I am learning to trust Him with those I love the most. One way I am doing this is to speak truth to them, in love; without judgement of the choices they make - just making sure they know that no matter what - I will be there for them. It's hard to actually put this in action - I say I trust God, and then I want to control the situation, make decisions that are not mine to make, make judgements based on only part of the story. Aren't I wiser than the other person?<: Don't I have more life experience? And then, God reminds me. A gentle whisper, helping me to recall the way I thought and felt when I was young and stepping into a new chapter of my life. Reminding me, that some things I had to experience myself in order to learn. We all go through it - different phases of our lives - it just seems more dramatic when that person is young - at least to those who are older/wiser <: who are watching it happen.<:
My concerns have not gone away, and I still have some apprehension. But that's because of the unknown. And there is only so much I can do - the rest is up to that individual and God. So I place this person in Your hands, God, and keep an open mind and heart.
Bottom line - we all have our own decisions and choices to make in life. No one else can make them for us. Good or Bad - I make the choice - no one else does.
Free will - What was God thinking????
A Great Website
This is where my friend got a copy of the love letter from God in the previous blog. Great resource to have for yourself and to share with others.
http://www.fathersloveletter.com/index.html
http://www.fathersloveletter.com/index.html
Who's Your Daddy?
Where I'm at: Work (shhhh-I'm taking a break)
Weather: Sunny 79 degrees
Sights: My cubicle
Sounds: My co-worker's typing, the office air conditioner
Mood: At Peace, and very hopeful
I've been a little distracted this past week, and haven't been updating my site, but I will add more tonight - good, positive things regarding my last two entries.
A friend of mine sent this to me today, and it was such a great reminder of who the Almighty God is to me - my daddy! And God immediately put a visual picture in my mind - I was in Modesto this past weekend and I saw Kevin (my nephew) say this to his little, baby girl at least 20 times - "Who's Daddy's girl?" And in her little sweet, voice and with a big smile on her face, she says "MEEEE"! It is the most precious thing to see and hear. That's what God wants to hear from us, when He says, "Who's my child?".....and with a big smile on my face, I will say, "MEEEE"!"
Weather: Sunny 79 degrees
Sights: My cubicle
Sounds: My co-worker's typing, the office air conditioner
Mood: At Peace, and very hopeful
I've been a little distracted this past week, and haven't been updating my site, but I will add more tonight - good, positive things regarding my last two entries.
A friend of mine sent this to me today, and it was such a great reminder of who the Almighty God is to me - my daddy! And God immediately put a visual picture in my mind - I was in Modesto this past weekend and I saw Kevin (my nephew) say this to his little, baby girl at least 20 times - "Who's Daddy's girl?" And in her little sweet, voice and with a big smile on her face, she says "MEEEE"! It is the most precious thing to see and hear. That's what God wants to hear from us, when He says, "Who's my child?".....and with a big smile on my face, I will say, "MEEEE"!"
Dear Child,
You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32
You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32
Love, Your Dad.
Almighty God
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Can't Sleep and it's 4:00am!
Where I'm at: Living Room Couch
Weather: 57 degrees (thanks to weather.com)
Sights: The stair way
Sounds: The grandfather clock "bonging" 4 times.
Mood: Anxious, but starting to feel more calm and peaceful
I've been tossing and turning since 11pm. I must have slept a few minutes here and there, but nothing substantial. I read a little, turned the light out, closed my eyes...and angst filled my heart. This person that I wrote about earlier tonight - I can't get her out of my thoughts. I've dreamed of talking to her, what I would say, how I would say whatever it is I should say. And tears roll down my cheeks. Sleep alludes me. Even as I say I've dreamed, it's really just thoughts and imaginations running through my very awake brain. So, instead of laying in bed, in a hot room, feeling useless, helpless and anxiety ridden - I've decided to write out what's running through my mind.
Not only has my body been tossing and turning, but my thoughts and emotions have been too. I feel so inadequate, and if I'm honest, very afraid to reach out to her. I don't want to be rejected - that's hard to take from a stranger, but even more so when it's someone you love and care for. I'm afraid I won't have the right words to say, or worse say the "right' thing in the wrong way-self-righteousness. Nothing shuts someone down faster than that.
Lord, once again, I come to you, pleading, begging crying out for your comfort, wisdom and guidance. Give me confidence in You. Give me boldness and gentleness. Speak through me in mercy and truth. Show me how to love her unconditionally - whether she responds to me or not. Most importantly, may she see You in my eyes and heart. Help her to see my Father's eyes reflected in mine. Give me courage to share with her my failures, my screw ups - and how often I looked at myself with disdain, disappointment, and felt that I was worth nothing and that I could never change. It took me almost 43 years to finally stop believing these lies. Why is it that we as brothers and sisters in Christ have such a hard time truly believing and accepting who we are in You? Even as I've thought about all I would like to share with her, my mind focuses more on the negative of my life, than of the positive that comes from You. Do I do this because I am so afraid that I may fail? That once I've verbalized how much You have changed me, I will fall back into my old pattern of behavior - and once again it proves to me and others that change doesn't really happen? But it does!! I have changed! Yes, I've faltered along the way, made several big mistakes, and have stepped backwards a few more times than forwards. But my recovery time is much shorter! I'm learning and getting more comfortable running to you as soon as I see that I've gotten off course. And as long as I don't give up, as long as I continue to focus on You - little by little You will transform me and I will become.
I looked up the word "become" in the dictionary. It says To grow or come to be. It's not instantaneous. It doesn't happen over night. It takes a life time to "become". Is this what working our salvation out is? Is that the way we "become"? As I read through the verses below, keeping in mind the definition of "become" - it brings me comfort and a calmness - that I don't have to "be", I just have to be "becoming". Help me, Father, to share that truth with her - and to give her hope that You do change us, and You truly do make all things new.
John 1:12 Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.
John 4:14 , "but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."
Ephesians 2:22 "And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit."
Revelation 11:15 "The seventh angel sounded his trumpet, and there were loud voices in heaven, which said: "The kingdom of the world has become the kingdom of our Lord and of his Christ, and he will reign for ever and ever."
It's 5:02am. I'm going to rest in Him now.
Weather: 57 degrees (thanks to weather.com)
Sights: The stair way
Sounds: The grandfather clock "bonging" 4 times.
Mood: Anxious, but starting to feel more calm and peaceful
I've been tossing and turning since 11pm. I must have slept a few minutes here and there, but nothing substantial. I read a little, turned the light out, closed my eyes...and angst filled my heart. This person that I wrote about earlier tonight - I can't get her out of my thoughts. I've dreamed of talking to her, what I would say, how I would say whatever it is I should say. And tears roll down my cheeks. Sleep alludes me. Even as I say I've dreamed, it's really just thoughts and imaginations running through my very awake brain. So, instead of laying in bed, in a hot room, feeling useless, helpless and anxiety ridden - I've decided to write out what's running through my mind.
Not only has my body been tossing and turning, but my thoughts and emotions have been too. I feel so inadequate, and if I'm honest, very afraid to reach out to her. I don't want to be rejected - that's hard to take from a stranger, but even more so when it's someone you love and care for. I'm afraid I won't have the right words to say, or worse say the "right' thing in the wrong way-self-righteousness. Nothing shuts someone down faster than that.
Lord, once again, I come to you, pleading, begging crying out for your comfort, wisdom and guidance. Give me confidence in You. Give me boldness and gentleness. Speak through me in mercy and truth. Show me how to love her unconditionally - whether she responds to me or not. Most importantly, may she see You in my eyes and heart. Help her to see my Father's eyes reflected in mine. Give me courage to share with her my failures, my screw ups - and how often I looked at myself with disdain, disappointment, and felt that I was worth nothing and that I could never change. It took me almost 43 years to finally stop believing these lies. Why is it that we as brothers and sisters in Christ have such a hard time truly believing and accepting who we are in You? Even as I've thought about all I would like to share with her, my mind focuses more on the negative of my life, than of the positive that comes from You. Do I do this because I am so afraid that I may fail? That once I've verbalized how much You have changed me, I will fall back into my old pattern of behavior - and once again it proves to me and others that change doesn't really happen? But it does!! I have changed! Yes, I've faltered along the way, made several big mistakes, and have stepped backwards a few more times than forwards. But my recovery time is much shorter! I'm learning and getting more comfortable running to you as soon as I see that I've gotten off course. And as long as I don't give up, as long as I continue to focus on You - little by little You will transform me and I will become.
I looked up the word "become" in the dictionary. It says To grow or come to be. It's not instantaneous. It doesn't happen over night. It takes a life time to "become". Is this what working our salvation out is? Is that the way we "become"? As I read through the verses below, keeping in mind the definition of "become" - it brings me comfort and a calmness - that I don't have to "be", I just have to be "becoming". Help me, Father, to share that truth with her - and to give her hope that You do change us, and You truly do make all things new.
John 1:12 Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.
John 4:14 , "but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."
Ephesians 2:22 "And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit."
Revelation 11:15 "The seventh angel sounded his trumpet, and there were loud voices in heaven, which said: "The kingdom of the world has become the kingdom of our Lord and of his Christ, and he will reign for ever and ever."
It's 5:02am. I'm going to rest in Him now.
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